The Cinema Snob

- Season 10

(2016)

Oh dear, the Cinema Snob must torture himself with another romantic comedy. Riding off the success of 50 Shades of Grey, the movie Old Fashioned tried to focus on the aspect of chivalry and courtship, as opposed to constant gratuitous sex, and well, this movie is so awkward and poorly executed that if the act of chivalry truly is dead, we know what killed it.

The Snob gets his kicks from over-the-top Ninja flicks.

The Cinema Snob returns to the chronologically confusing Zombi series by reviewing the third film in the saga, which is actually the second film for the U.S. It's all about a chemical called Death 1 that turns people into flesh-eating zombies.

The Cinema Snob delights in torturing himself by looking at what can be considered the Fun in Balloonland of the New Millennium. Remember the Oogieloves? It was a film made for toddlers by people who severely underestimated a toddler's intelligence. Oh dear, what has the Snob gotten himself into?

To recover from the obnoxious big balloon adventure he had last week, Brad looks at a movie he'd previously reviewed in his car to give the Cinema Snob treatment. The film in question is the popular, but preposterous War Room, which details the lives of a troubled family who encounter a kindly but intrusive old woman. Also, it's religious.

The Cinema Snob looks at an early '90s flick about a popular, but lonely teenage boy who becomes fed up with his restrictive, orderly life and wonders what life would be like if he were never a Christian.

What do you get when you cross a former exploitation film director with a firebrand fear-mongering evangelist who despises Commies? Perfect fodder for The Cinema Snob, of course. When faced with deciding what to review next--a '70s exploitation film or another religious film--he selects a movie that puts the two genres in a blender...and a mangler.

One would say Cannon Films had a "death wish" when they purchased the franchise of the same name. The Snob checks out their first entry into the series which, when compared to the original, seems misguided, toned down and tone deaf.

Time to fire Superman out of a Cannon. That's right, the Snob is back with more Cannon fodder. This one featuring the Man of Steel, in the horrible third sequel in the series. You know the story: Supes gathers all the world's nukes and destroys them, trying to show the world that peace is something everyone can have, but only if they want it bad enough.

Holy Turkish Nightmare, Batman. The Cinema Snob helps himself to another turkey from Turkey, because with Batman vs. Superman only weeks away, and owing to his review of Superman IV last week, it's time to look at one of the Caped Crusader's bat-bombs. And no better place to look than the Turkish film library.

Wonder Woman. Actually, it's a wonder this TV pilot movie was ever greenlit. Having looked at something Superman and Batman related, the Snob looks at Wonder Woman's first on-screen appearance. It's your typical sexist, campy '70s fare.

God is not dead, but the Cinema Snob sure wishes these types of movies were. Films that aim to glorify the scripture and the Lord Almighty, but are shoddily made with shallow characters, a myriad of subplots and preaching propaganda to the choir. The Snob is in for another unholy mess.

Dynamic Duo Chevy Chase and Benji star in an adult-themed movie disguised as a family movie in which a P.I. is killed, resurrected as a dog, and solves his own murder. The Cinema Snob takes it upon himself to bury this rancid bone in a backyard of woe.

The Snob takes a break from the usual monkey business to review a film that will have him going ape. Or rather, Going Bananas, a very non-appealing movie about a boy and his chimp. It's like Nukie if he were a primate instead of an alien.

Remember that movie about that dude who saw what life would be like if he weren't a Christian (Jesus, Man)? Well, before that they made a similar movie about a dude who pretended to be a Christian so he could score with the hot chick. The Cinema Snob will pretend he never saw this movie.

The Snob watches a mystery movie. As in, a mystery this movie ever got made and a mystery as to why anybody would ever watch it. A detective is called to investigate a stolen book at a Bible camp. Whodunit? The lifeguard who doesn't read the Bible? The nurse who doesn't pray? The coach who doesn't go to church? All Christians who don't follow the Christian archetype. Interesting. Not.

After getting out of the hospital for a head injury, the Cinema Snob watches a movie that won't make him feel much better. It's the low-budget, poorly-made and thankfully underrated 1990 version of Captain America. You know the one: Heil Hitler, bang.

In the case of the Friday the 13th films, seven was definitely not their lucky number. And speaking of unlucky, it's Friday the 13th so it's time for the Snob to return to Crystal Lake for The New Blood. Tommy Jarvis has been replaced by Tina, a telekinetic teen who accidentally resurrects Jason from the dead to continue where he left off.

Haven't you always wanted to see a movie where Captain America and Spider-Man fight? Only it's completely in the Turkish language and Spider-Man is a violent crime-lord? Well for the sick few who do, the Cinema Snob has unearthed such a movie. Cap and Spidey fight out a very uncivil war.

The Snob's got the power...The power to watch something else. However, he presses on bravely, reviewing a failed pilot for a live action television series nobody asked for, based on a comic book series. Fans and casual movie viewers alike depend on him. The balance of good and evil rests on his shoulders. It's a harrowing job, but someone has got to do it. Also, the movie sucks.

Hero in an arm-chair. Snobbing power. The Cinema Snob descends into the darkest, dankest sewer where he finds a new Ninja Turtles porno spoof. But for those sick individuals who tuned in to see turtles screwing, you will be rightfully disappointed.

The Cinema Snob gets invited to a slumber party. A slumber party MASSACRE, that is. With Michael Myers and Jason Voorhees being the kings of the slasher scene, it was time for an unknown with a big power drill to steal the spotlight as he and his phallic power tool stalk a group of 30-year-old high school students at their raunchy slumber party.

It's the good, the bad and the holy as the Cinema Snob reviews a western style music video featuring famous Christian singer/actor Carman. In this tale of intrigue and gun-slinging, a guy walks into a bar and rids the world of sin...one man at a time.

Just when you thought it was safe to slumber party again. The Cinema Snob reviews the highly-demanded sequel to the 1982 classic Slumber Party Massacre. But this entry dares to be a psychological--or rather psychopathic--thriller about a punk-rock spirit killer with a driller on his guitar.

The Cinema Snob asked his faithful Patreon sponsors to vote on which Independence Day themed film he should review next, owing to the new ID4 movie in theaters. The choices were between a direct-to-video rip-off, a porno spoof, or an early '80s rom-com. The choice was obvious: The rom-com. Sadly, there's little rom and almost no com. It's an awkward, boring and depressing love story with spousal abuse. Where's an alien invasion when you need one?

After the disappointing lack of T&A in last week's "rom-com", the Snob decides to rectify that, as well as pay tribute to the new film about the famous King of the Jungle, by reviewing the 1981 John Derek Tarzan movie. It's all about Jane's very awkward relationship with her estranged father, with hints of incest, scenery-chewing, sexual innuendo and phallic worship - oh, and there's a giant ape-man in there too somewhere.

Once again, the Snob lets his viewers vote on the next review, and once again, they didn't choose the porno spoof. Much like last time, it's a dry, obscure, low-budget '80s movie, except this one is a little more watchable. It's a black comedy about two detectives being chased through a haunted house. Plenty of slapstick comedy and racial jokes makes this one fun for the whole family.

If you expected anything more from a Star Trek porno spoof besides a trip to the planet Uranus, horribly uncreative sexualized versions of the characters' names, and an endless supply of sexual innuendo and butt jokes, then your expectations were astronomically high. The Cinema Snob ventures where no snob has gone before and reviews this most illogical pile of space debris.

While other fools are outside hunting for Japanese pocket monsters with their phones, the Cinema Snob relaxes in his big, blue chair in his living room to review a Pokemon porno.

Being a cat lover, the Snob decides to look at something feline related this week. He chooses A Talking Cat!?!, a movie about water, business deals, cheese puffs, middle-aged yuppies, dopey teenagers, and a cat that inexplicably talks.

After falling asleep from watching the 1935 version of Suicide Squad, the Cinema Snob decides to look for better review fodder. He comes across the unmemorable 1995 Daniel Stern vehicle simply known as Bushwhacked, in which a conman is mistaken for a scout leader. Did we mention it was unmemorable?

What can one expect out of a movie called The Buttercream Gang? It has to be seen to be believed. The Cinema Snob has buttercream on the brain as he watches The Buttercream Gang about a group of white-bred, good-natured buttercream boys doing buttercreamy things. But when one Buttercream goes bad, they band their Buttercream Gang to send him back on the right path to buttercreamy goodness. Buttercream.

The Reverend Estus Pirkle and director Ron Ormond are at it again. After the footmen tired him and so did the horses, the Cinema Snob basks in the glow of Pirkle's hell-fire sermon on Hell, which apparently isn't a very nice place.

Being a staunch Snobocrat, the Cinema Snob does his patriotic duty and casts his vote for political porn politician, Donald Tramp. For those of you who want to see Trump hump, the Don get it on, etc., look no further. Make porno spoofs great again...by not being like this one.

Grease is the word as the Snob kicks off his annual Musical March (in September). In the early '80s they ventured back into the '70s' version of the '60s with Grease 2: more musical mayhem and shenanigans with a new group of high school misfits, who have random musical numbers prepared for every possible situation.

The Cinema Snob puts on his blue suede loafers to watch a musical biopic about an Elvis impersonator. Musical March (in September) continues as the Snob watches an unholy faith movie about an Elvis rip-off and his identical twin, separated at birth, who idolizes and impersonates him.

If you ever wanted to see a movie about break-dancing that doesn't have any kind of silly story or characters to get in the way, then Breakin' is up your alley. For this entry in Musical March (in September) 2016, the Cinema Snob looks at an early '80s effort that set the precedent for hip hop dance moves and terrible sequel titles.

The term 'Electric Boogaloo' has many meanings: an interchangeable sequel title, a film that rushed into production at the speed of light and the sacrifice of quality, and...not much else. Musical March (in September) 2016 steps off the dance floor true to fashion, as the Cinema Snob has saved the best for last.

The Cinema Snob welcomes the Halloween season with a little trick or treat. As in the cheesy, hard rock 1986 movie Trick or Treat. It's about a bullied misfit whose rock and roll hero is tragically killed, but whose spirit lives on in his last album. Literally. But his spirit is soon unleashed and it begins to wreak rockin' havoc. Trick or treat? This movie is neither.

The Cinema Snob gave his viewers a vote for this week's episode: a horror movie, a cheesy family sci-fi movie, or Windy City. The winner was the cheesy family sci-fi. It's Spaced Invaders, that little known film from 1990 about five inept Martians who come to earth. The Snob is underwhelmed by the plot and "characters", but approves of the special effects and that the DVD wasn't double-sided.

The Cinema Snob feels cursed as he gets to reviewing Halloween 6: The Origin - er, Curse of Michael Myers. This one is definitely cursed, what with terrible editing, terrible story, confusing plot twists, no resolution for the story of Michael Myers and his affiliation with the Thorn cult, and worst of all, still no justice for Ben Tramer.

When it comes to movies about things that talk, the Cinema Snob usually discovers it to be a hit or a miss. The misses are usually about animals that talk, and because A Talking Cat was such a barrel of laughs, the Snob looks at its predecessor about a talking canine. With only a week until Halloween, here's a season appropriate movie that's really barking up the wrong tree.

The Snob decides to give Halloween 6 a second look. To view the movie the way it was meant to be seen. No, not with his eyes closed. He's reviewing the infamous Producer's Cut, which contains much less what and why, more Loomis, more Jamie, more Thorn, more suspense, and more everything the theatrical version left on the floor.

Before Dr. Strange was in the movies, he was on TV. And before that he was in comics, but the guy with the hat reviews those. Today, the Cinema Snob looks back at a failed effort to bring the doctor to the small screen with a pilot from 1978. Suave, handsome, womanizing Dr. Steven Strange is given other-worldly powers. Powers to control the universe and all of its elements...but can he make his hot patient fall in love with him?

The Cinema Snob reviews Dangerous Men (2005), which was suggested by Jeffrey Prawdiuk-Spurr. It's a half-assed action turkey that should've stayed on the shelf.

What better way for the Cinema Snob to get into the holiday spirit than with a low-budget, propaganda movie that tackles the war on Christmas. This film makes place in a fantasy, quasi-reality in which Christmas has become controversial and all of its religious symbolism is trying to be hidden. It's up to one grieving grandfather, his right-wing grandson and his ambitious girlfriend to show this town the true meaning of Christmas, whether they like it or not.

The Snob is back to deck the halls with howls of folly with this charming, bizarre, nonsensical, badly-dubbed little gem from 1964. It's about a boy who rescues a cat out of a tree, when suddenly he falls, everything goes to color, and a kindly witch gives him a magic ring. And with that ring, the boy grows a magical, yet cynical tree that grants him three wishes.

The Snob has some genuine Christmas sneer to spread today. Before the infamous Silent Night, Deadly Night, there was a Silent Night, BLOODY Night. There is no Garbage Day or Petto's, but it is a low-budget slash-fest about old house whose owner was mysteriously killed, and the equally mysterious killer still lurking around twenty years later.

As per a special holiday request from Fat Grandma, Santa Christ makes the Cinema Snob and the Nostalgia Critic review a total piece of schmaltz. A young, single lady accidentally reads a little girl's letter to Santa Claus. When she discovers the girl's dad is single, she takes it as a sign that he might be the one and stalks him.