The Cinema Snob

- Season 8

(2014)

The Snob rings in the new year by reviewing one of the most notorious musical flops of all time from the same producer responsible for the iconic 70's hits Saturday Night Fever and Grease.

It's another E.T. porno spoof. Except this time, the Snob discovers that unlike those other ones, this one actually follows the plot of E.T. Even in areas where it shouldn't.

Remember when John Wayne played Genghis Khan in that horrible 1956 movie The Conqueror? The Snob shows us how the Duke fared as that tyrannical Asian, but perfect-English-speaking despot as he reviews the movie and discusses its very bleak production history.

The Snob believes he has found a far worse romance movie than Moment by Moment could ever hope to be.

With a subzero winter chill in the air, the Cinema Snob decides to review a summer Olympics horror movie.

The Cinema Snob finally talks about Hitler's Harlot, a movie he's long since avoided on account of the lack of comedic material this Nazisploitation hard-core porno flick offered.

This week, the Cinema Snob looks at a movie so vile, so disgusting, so universally hated, and so very, very unfunny.

Ilsa, that sexy she-wolf harem keeper is back as a wicked warden. The Cinema Snob is in for one grandiose S&M treat.

What do you get when you cross a rape movie with an action ninja movie? A tone-deaf mess.

Brad checks out the H.G. Lewis documentary "Black Love" to learn more about - well, black love.

The Cinema Snob discovers yet another awkward John Travolta romance flick. This one co-stars Olivia Newton-John and even the Almighty God makes an appearance.

Sasquatch weeks kicks off with a king-sized turd known as The Curse of Bigfoot. It's a movie about nothing, but sadly, not in the same way as Seinfeld is a show about nothing.

To the Cinema Snob's extreme dismay, he discovers that The Geek does in fact have a sequel. However, he soon discovers that it's not so much a sequel as it is an unrelated porno short disguised as a bigfoot movie.

On the third day of Sasquatch Week, the good Snob gave to me: a really, really, really horrible movie about catching a Yeti. In short, the Cinema Snob deems this film to be almost as bad as Nukie.

Throw another bad Sasquatch movie on the barbie. Today, the Snob watches a monster movie that's not so much about a monster, but rather a morbidly obese man working at an all (little) girls ranch. The movie even has its own built-in Fat Grandma cameo.

He's saved the best for last. The Snob concludes Sasquatch Week with The Legend of Boggy Creek, a G-rated horror docu-drama that's surprisingly well made.

The Cinema Snob decides to review Mommie Dearest in light of Mothers' Day. While he expects to find a campy dark comedy, he quickly discovers that this movie is in fact disturbing and very over-the-top, and not in a funny way.

The Big Guy is coming back to the big screen, so the Cinema Snob decides to review one of the old Godzilla movies. Naturally, he chooses a bad one: from 1969, a kooky, kid-friendly, sappy disgrace to the King of Monsters: Godzilla's Revenge.

Cinema Snob watches another gay porn. This one features a slick secret agent going against a gender-ambiguous villain and her flaming sidekick bent on ridding mankind of its sex drive. Needless to say, The Snob doesn't have a gay old time.

The Snob looks at a movie by famed porn director John T. Bone. And what does he expect from a movie called Invasion of the Samurai Sluts from Hell? Well, there's pitiful Samurais, plenty of sluts and an hour of Hell.

The Snob finally gets around to reviewing the third Friday the 13th outing, and for a special experiment, he conducts the entire review in 3D. So put on the glasses if you got'em and watch Brad reach, point and throw crap at the camera.

What better way is there for the Cinema Snob to celebrate Fathers' Day than to review a horror movie about a murderous psychopath who kills his entire family?

In honor of the new Transformers movie hitting theaters, the Cinema Snob reviews the follow-up to Robot Jox, which is not so much a follow-up as it is just some random, stupid, cheap, future sci-fi yarn about robotic warfare.

The Snob reviews Wired, a low-budget, disrespectful and exploitative bio on the life, career and especially the death of comedy legend John Belushi.

There's a new Planet of the Apes movie in theaters, so the Snob decides to review Brazil's equivalent.

Another bizarre and untrue bio is on the menu today, except this one isn't as disrespectful as Wired, but as the Cinema Snob discovers, it still portrays its subject as a simpleton and barely a shadow of who he really was.

The Cinema Snob reviews the 1983 Italian movie Hercules, starring Lou Ferrigno. It's chock full of bad dubbing, bad special effects, giant robot toys and science talk that would make Dr. Insano call foul.

As if the world didn't already have enough bad Hercules movies. The Cinema Snob watches as the universe's strongest man returns for more of the same nonsense. Also returning is the evil king who knows as much about science as a creationist.

The Snob reviews a horribly written movie that's all about screen-writing; oh, the irony.

With only 2 months to Halloween, the Snob celebrates by watching a bad spoof of a famous Michael Jackson music video, and this one is no thriller.

The Snob returns to 42nd Street for more crass, crude and controversial movie trailers, including: naughty teachers, naughty nurses, naughty warden's daughters, and a few slashers.

The Cinema Snob reviews a shoddy early '70s slasher about murderous kids who prey on a group of stalwart campers.

In the mood for a bloody western, the Cinema Snob pops in Cut Throats Nine. It's an excessively violent story about a group of outlaws who gets lost in the middle of a snowy peak.

Cinema Snob kicks off Musical March (in September) with At Long Last Love, a harmless but poorly received 1975 musical with Burt Reynolds and Cybil Shepherd, and half the cast of Blazing Saddles.

Musical March (in September) continues as the Snob reviews a bizarre 1980 Faustian musical that's set in 1994.

Believe it or not...no, he's not walking on air. The Rocky Horror Picture Show had a sequel. From 1981: Shock Treatment, which the Cinema Snob reviews for Musical March (in September).

Musical March [in September] comes to an end as he reviews the 1980 Pseudo autobiography of disco's The Village People.

Returning to his favorite genre: Shot on Shitteo, the Cinema Snob selects a really poorly made movie with barely audible sound, terrible acting and it delivers none of what it promises.

The Snob reviews a creepy children's movie about giant balloons and a parade.

The Cinema Snob reviews the explosive 1981 follow-up to John Carpenter's Halloween. He finds it to be a disappointing sequel as he disproves the revelation that Mike and Laurie are brother and sister, and that the film had the gall to kill off Ben Tramer.

The Snob reviews Down and Dirty Duck, a nonsensical, psychedelic animated film from the '70s by legendary cheap filmmaker Roger Corman.

In honor of the 30th anniversary of the original Nightmare on Elm Street, the Cinema Snob pays his respects to Freddy Krueger.

The Cinema Snob reviews Black Rage, a poorly made 1972 film about an Albino black man and his brother escaping their slave masters in search of hidden treasure. That's right, this film actually exists.

The Snob celebrates Thanksgiving with a turkey from Turkey. That's right, Turkish First Blood. While it has very little in common with Rambo, it definitely has its share of brutal ass-kicking action that gives the Snob a hard on.

The Cinema Snob finally reviews Foreskin Gump. Unfortunately, it's just a generic porno film with some occasional lines from Forrest Gump thrown in. There is foreskin, however, but the less said about that, the better.

Fat Grandma tells the story of how the Cinema Snob reviewed Silent Night, Deadly Night 4. An in-name-only sequel with a stocking stuffed with misogyny, perversion, witchcraft, ritual sacrifices, and bugs.