It Ain't Half Hot Mum

- Season 8

(1981)

After accidentally being hit on the head by a coconut, Gloria undergoes a strange transformation into a fearless, serious soldier, killing a snake with his bare hands. He and Williams attack a Japanese camp, forcing the soldiers to retreat. He is rewarded with a medal but by this time he has returned to his old self and faints when it is pinned on him.

With the war about to end, everybody talks about their ambitions once they become civilians again. Then a newspaper obituary announces that Gunner Graham's rich aunt Lucinda has died. It is likely that she will be leaving him, her only relative, all her money and, consequently officers and men alike are very nice to him in the hopes that he will share his windfall. Graham is persuaded to give a piano recital during which a letter arrives to say that Aunt Lucinda has left all her money to charity. The audience boo him.

Having seen a lavish Busby Berkley number on film Gloria plans to stage a water ballet, based on a raft in the river. The colonel, impressed by his vision, invites several big wigs to watch the rehearsal. Unfortunately it is a total disaster. The 'mermaids' cannot walk from the dressing room to the river bank, the waterfall feature floods everywhere and the smoke effect gets out of hand obscuring the act. As the smoke clears all that remains of the aqua ballet is Graham sitting at the piano on the raft as it floats downstream.

The war is now officially at an end, as all the Japanese have surrendered - except for the sniper who has taken up a post on an island from where he is shooting at anybody who tries to get past him on road or river. The company is persuaded to put their acting skills to the test and engage him whilst he can be disarmed by the military.

With the war over the villagers, led by Mr. Puhara, want to return to their home which was commandeered by the army. Williams refuses but the officers over-rule him and allow the villagers back. In the light of Williams' resentment Puhara leads a revolt, tearing down the Union Jack and spitting on it. Williams has him arrested and put in a cell where he is bitten by a scorpion. Williams saves his life, a truce is called and the villagers return home officially.

The lads get into the truck that will take them to the port and the ship home. They have had special inoculations but the vaccine ran out before Lofty could have his so he has to wait until more vaccine arrives. Char Wallah Muhammed will arrange for him to be taken to the port in a rickshaw. The men's truck breaks down and they put on a show for the garage owner to repair it. Lofty's rickshaw also comes to grief but the garage owner is a fan of his and gives him a bike. The men are all on board the ship which is about to leave when, at the last minute, Muhamed turns ...

The company arrive back in England and grope their way through the fog to Customs where Ashford is almost arrested and the demobilization centre, where they are dismayed by the lack of choice for their civilian suits. Overall they find that, despite their being away on service, nobody respects them. However it still feels good to be a private citizen, and they all have homes to go to - except Williams, who applied to be a prison warder but was turned down as being too old. Parkin displays rare insight in being the only man to pick up on this and suggests the sergeant ...