It Ain't Half Hot Mum

- Season 6

(1978)

The Colonel is approached by American Colonel Sol Zimmerman, who was a famous film director before the war broke out. He is directing a film called 'Private Washington Goes To War' and wants the company to play extras. Unfortunately the film is heavily biased. The British are shown as cowardly or ridiculous and the whole is but a vehicle for the monosyllabic actor Chuck to win the war single-handedly. Graham and Williams protest in vain though star-struck Gloria is keen to appear. Ultimately Lofty accidentally destroys the finished film and Williams declares him to be...

Two of the lads, Mac and Nobby Clark, deface a statue of a local deity. Though they are punished internally the Colonel looks for a way to patch things up with the locals and decides upon a football match, which the company will deliberately lose. However the boys are 51 - 0 down at half-time and need to save some face. Gunner Graham tells the villagers that the ball is made from the hide of a sacred cow, so they refuse to touch it, allowing the final score to be 51 - 50.

The company is charged with guarding the army pay-roll but local bandit leader Me Thant plans to steal it. He challenges Williams to a test of virility, which involves him going out into the jungle, with Lofty. The two men are captured and tied up but manage to escape. Back at the base they find that the rest of the company have been given 'happy water' in their tea to make them act childishly and allow Me Thant to steal the wages. Fortunately Major Webster is in the vicinity and he and his men foil Me Thant and his bandits and return the money.

The Japanese are advancing so the company disguise themselves as dhobi wallahs, or laundrymen - except Gloria, who wears a sari. They receive orders to blow up a bridge and send Lofty on a raft piled high with explosives to do the deed. Unfortunately efforts to save Lofty mean that the raft blows up before it hits the bridge. Lofty is feared dead but had the sense to jump off before the explosion. The men hear that the enemy are now retreating and the bridge is needed so they are congratulated for saving it, as well as getting paid for doing the laundry.

Burgess the padre is shocked by some of the company's raunchier numbers and decides to come and assess it - the same day that a Captain de Wolfe is arriving. He is from entertainments H.Q. and is assessing the men for a different reason. If their performance is not up to scratch they will be disbanded - and their best numbers are the ones of which Burgess disapproves. A mix-up in medicals ear-marks Williams for a hated desk job so, unusually, he decides to save the company - so he can stay with it. He waylays Burgess on his way to see the show and keeps him talking ...

After Williams has put the men through a tough training regime and Graham, who has a book about the mutiny on the 'Bounty' stands up to him, Lofty falls asleep and has an odd dream. All the company are on the 'Bounty' and Graham, in the Fletcher Christian role, leads a mutiny which results in Captain Bligh - or Williams - being cast adrift in a boat with Lofty. Severe hunger drives Williams to try and eat Lofty's leg but when Lofty wakes up he finds Williams actually is biting his leg. Lofty has been bitten by a snake and the sergeant-major is sucking the poison out.

Whilst checking the payroll accounts, Ashwood finds he is almost 500 rupees short and tells Williams, who searches the men's bags, unaware that Lofty has seen him. Told by Lofty what he has seen, the men are outraged and drug Williams, searching his private box - only to find a letter to say how much he likes them all. The officers are also searched and Colonel Reynolds is found to have the money on him. However he explains that he found a parachute and sold it for 500 rupees and plans to give the men a party with it. Ultimately Graham checks the accounts to find no ...