Two Pints of Lager and a Packet of Crisps

- Season 8

(2009)

Tim hosts a one-off fund raiser in support of the BBC 's charity night, including a three-part contest consisting of a bitch-off, a flirt-off, and a drink-off, accompanied by musical numbers. The show includes characters from two other sitcoms: 'Coming of Age' and 'Grownups,' in which Sheridan Smith played a character called Michelle.

Janet and Gaz are living as a couple, though he is irritated by her habit of starting every sentence with "Since Jonny died..." and the fact that she has made a candle out of Jonny's earwax to remember him by. His admission that he was going with Donna and Janet at the same time does not help either. However, they agree that they must move on, and, as the hospital letter showed that Corinthian was not Jonny's son, Janet urges Gaz to get a court order recognizing him as the boy's official father.

Gaz determines to be a good father, dressing the part and practising his parenting skills on Tim, who is trying to encourage Louise to be a better mother and stop leaving her baby behind when she goes out. Gaz goes to court and is granted his order, but Donna returns, followed by boyfriend Wesley, who is dismissive of Runcorn and wants her to go back to London with him.

While Tim persuades Louise that her baby does not need a father figure and that she can go it alone, Donna is annoyed after Gaz tries to set her up with a tramp as well as giving Wesley courtship advice that she finds questionable though she sees that he has her genuine interests at heart. Nonetheless, she decides to set up house with Wesley. After a youth mugs her, Janet becomes a police Community Support Officer.

With the divorce papers still not through, Donna and Gaz are unsure if they have done the right thing, but when Donna sees that Wesley is making an effort to fit into Runcorn life, she knows who she wants. Unfortunately, Wesley gets Tasered by Janet, who is desperate to arrest somebody, with the result that she gets arrested herself--and fired. Meanwhile, Louise quizzes her baby on I.Q. questions and mathematics, wanting to be a better mother than Janet.

Donna and Gaz are at the solicitor's office to sign the divorce papers but still unsure if they are doing the right thing as, in a series of flashbacks, they recall how they first met as children and their subsequent life together. They also, in a fantasy sequence, try to imagine what life would have been like had they never met--with a scary look into the future.

Wesley gives Gaz a ring with which to propose to Janet, and Donna offers to help him plan the wedding, despite Tim's view that it might end up causing her pain; however, she spends a day with Gaz and all goes well. Janet is working with Wesley on his market stall selling Val Doonican CDs but is rushed to hospital with stomach pains and needs surgery. Wesley tries to ring Gaz, who has ended up in bed with Donna.

Janet is discharged from hospital after her appendectomy. She tells Gaz that Wesley held her hand all night, and Gaz confesses that he slept with Donna, resulting in Janet throwing him out. When she catches up with him again, he is back with Donna and the two women deliver an ultimatum, forcing him to choose which one he really wants. Meanwhile, Louise meets promising boyfriend material in Scott Chegg, of the boy band "R Soul."

Despite Tim's assurances that both are too good for Gaz, Janet and Donna give him a deadline to choose between them, though Gaz's admission that he really is Corinthian's father doesn't go down as expected. Louise worries that Scott will dump her for a groupie, so on Gaz's advice she sends a saucy photo of herself by phone and receives a reassuring message: "I Think I Love You." She will soon be leaving Runcorn to join a moon-worshipping sect. Gaz has made his decision and rushes to tell the girl of his choice, but is involved in a terrible car accident which leaves ...

Janet is in the Archer waiting for news of Gaz and is devastated to hear not only that he is paralysed from the waist down, but that he has chosen Donna over her. She and Tim and Wesley perform a series of musical numbers, including a rap and a hymn to Runcorn's pasties . Janet will shortly be moving to Milton Keynes with Corinthian while Wesley goes back to London, and Tim will become the licensed landlord of the Archer.

Donna is at the hospital visiting the stricken Gaz. In a plot borrowed from the film "Sliding Doors," she imagines the two possible scenarios of her continuing relationship with Gaz: the one depending on him being able to walk and the possibility of their having children together; and the other based on the premise that he will be in a wheelchair permanently.