The Roast

- Season 3

(2014)

The Roast clambers onto an ark as the headlines get swept away, Tony Abbott announces victory over the boats, and global warming announces victory over people.

The Roast harpoons the headlines for delicious research purposes, the ICJ rules against Japan, and Joe Hockey announces budget cuts to be shared by all, starting with the person who writes th..

The Roast throws the headlines' shiny red ball over a cliff, Abbott accuses Palmer of buying seats, and NATO breaks up with Russia. Expect Russia and Crimea cosy Facebook pics to inspire jealousy.

The Roast weaves a fine cloak out of endangered headlines, the Royal Commission is digging into union corruption, and the Coalition makes moves to ban environmental boycotts. Polluted boycotts still ok.

The Roast retraces its stories to find evidence for what it did this week. If for some reason you're home a Friday night, watch it.

The Roast accidentally backs over the headlines' pet and replaces it with an unconvincing lookalike, and we bring you a WA election special. Look at you WA, getting your own special. Well played.

The Roast hires a scary clown when it's not even the headlines' birthday, Australia strikes a Free Trade Agreement with Japan, and solar energy is suffering. Thank goodness for infinite coal.

The Roast eats all the headlines' nibbles then leaves, more secretarial staff in the senate needed, and Tony Abbott continues his Asian tour. While he's away, shall we legalise something weird?

The Roast replaces the headlines' family with out-of-work actors, we look at Bob Carr's diaries, and young people are drinking less thanks to social media. Also, they're just doing less.

The Roast bundles together the best bits from the week so that even lazy fans of the show can keep up to date.

The Roast sends the headlines' grandparents back to the mill, the government is to raise retirement age to 70, and cuts loom for the ABC, starting with the hashtag department. #Roas.

The Roast accesses and sells the headlines' passwords, 88% of people polled oppose changes to 18C, and Heartbleed haunts the internet.

The Roast snaps photos of the headlines wearing something offensive at a fancy dress party, and we bring you our Royal visit special, including baby George's latest tell-all confessional.

We give the headlines a cheap bottle of Sauvignon Roast, Barry O'Farrell quits as NSW premier, and China to get Australian Network.

If you've had a $3000 bottle of wine and have therefore lost your memory, then worry not, The Roast is here to recap the past week for you with highlights from the news.

The Roast analyses the headlines' designer dress, the royals continue their Australia trip, and Brandis defends the rights of climate sceptics, though those rights could just be a conspiracy.

The Roast bulk-bills the headlines then gives them a lollipop, Clive Palmer vows to block the the Direct Action Policy and Indonesia slams Australian spies, though not in a sexy, James Bond way.

The Roast spends $12bn on flying death headlines, Shorten pushes Labor reforms, and government to invest in state-of-the-art fighter jets to defend us from all those sky dangers.

The Roast puts the headlines in an expensive old folks' home and runs away, we look at ANZAC day souvenirs, and Hockey waxes mysterious about the budget. Hockey you tease.

Like a satirical buffet, we lay out the week's best bits from the show for you to pile onto your mind-plate.

The Roast photobombs the headlines' selfie, Clive Palmer attracts three new MPs, and two popes get inducted into the heaven hall of fame.

The Roast tries to be the last organisation not investigated by ICAC, and investigates Four Corners' Manus Island investigation.

The Roast promises the headlines it won't make fun of them and then does so anyway, and Tony Abbott may tax the rich. It's our "We would never have predicted that" special.

The Roast uploads the headlines' soul to a mainframe and then wipes the hard drive, we look at the Commission of Audit and a Young Liberals' Fight Club which has clearly forgotten the first rule.

In case the Commission of Audit suggested cuts to your memories, allow The Roast to take you through the week's events, and then maybe to lunch? Would you like to have lunch with us?

The Roast takes the headlines for a $22,000 dinner and forgets its wallet, we look at a lunch with Hockey, and university fees set to increase, possibly to the price of a lunch with Hockey.

The Roast and the headlines get into a brawl in the street, a student protest disrupts Q&A, and Brandis clamps down on online piracy. That's on The Roast, 8:10pm, or right now on Pirate Bay.

The Roast puts hungry piranhas in the headlines' bathtub, there are threats to the school chaplaincy program, and falling international opinion of Australia. You're welcome North Korea.

The Roast leaps out of a car while driving the headlines over a cliff, the Coalition looks back at Labor's mess, and Fairfax staff go on strik- Hey get out of our office, we don't need more writers.

Like Fairfax journalists, we're not coming into work. Lucky for you we already have our weekly recap ready to go.

The Roast blows cigar smoke into the headlines' face from 200 yards away and we look at the proposed cuts to 76 government agencies. Agency for Cutting Agencies said to be safe.

The Roast goes ape-shit on a cameraman in the headlines and we bury our collective head deep into a Budget document we haven't seen yet.

The Roast spends all the headlines' money on a pregnant F-15, and we bring you the latest on the budget. Spoiler alert: your favourite things got cut.

The Roast throws the headlines off the cliff of financial optimism, we look at the newly angered state premiers and soaring uni fees. Just as well knowledge is wealth - sort of.

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The Roast chops up the headlines and mixes them into a stew, we look at youth unemployment and Tony Abbott slumps in the polls. Lucky Abbott's employed or he'd have two things to worry about.

The Roast upgrades the headlines' phone so the old charger no longer works, Bill Shorten faces disunity among party members, and NAPLAN stresses out school kids. Just wait for HECS kids.

The Roast winks like a giggly child at the headlines' misfortunes, we look at Australia's credit rating and continuing student protests. Don't they have a university to go t - oh - probably not.

The Roast collects $7 from the headlines after they've dropped their pants and coughed, we look at the PM's worst week, and medical co-payments. It's a good time to be in perfect health and not age.

In case your television was also cut in the budget, you still have time to catch up on this week's stories in our recap of the week's biggest stories. Just need to find a friend with a TV.

The Roast tells the headlines to shut up and stop complaining about the budget, and we bring you the latest in the budget developments.

The Roast sexy's up the headlines to get clicks, Roger Rogerson gets arrested, and Bronwyn Bishop faces accusations of bias, but she's not the ABC so the Coalition probably won't mind.

The Roast puts the headlines in a creepy maze with no exit, we look at Senate Estimates and Brandis still under fire for the Racial Discrimination Act. It's like people don't like racism or something.

The Roast puts on a tutu and pirouettes into the headlines, Joe Hockey under fire, and Peppa Pig under threat, but no pig puns on The Roast, not even hammy o- *The EPG writer has been fired*

If you've been preparing for the incoming budget by living in the wild and nibbling moss, worry not, as we've compiled our favourite bits from the week's news stories.

The Roast pushes an iceberg towards the HMS headlines, we look at the potential changes to HECS fees, and explore rumours surrounding a Turnbull challenge for leadership.

The Roast starts a rumour about the headlines to get more attention, Obama sets environmental policy in motion, and we look at the Bolt / Turnbull situation. No reason, we just want to get mentioned in Parliament.

The Roast plays really loud guitar all night next door to the headlines, we look at the turmoil in Victoria and the reaction to Clive Palmer's insensitive comment.

The Roast tells the headlines that Santa is real but dead, the Liberals are accused of tricking the Nationals, and we follow Abbott's progress abroad. While he's away, let's go all out with the bias.

If you're like Tony Abbott and you're overseas, here is all the week's news in one handy recap. Don't know why you'd watch this if you're overseas. Go outside and enjoy yourself.

The Roast flies the headlines to Boston to learn about Australia, and we look at the PUP senators' educational adventures in the States. It's our "Who on Earth Thought That Was A Good Idea?" special.

The Roast puts a Great White in the headlines' bathtub, we look at Abbott's fight against Obama on climate, and the shark cull in WA. Basically a bad day for the Roast.

The Roast changes all the locks on the headlines' home, we try to find Labor, and look at a questionable ad campaign from Sportsbet. Usually these gambling companies are so easy to look up to.

The Roast gets excited by headlines about a ball moving from some grass to some other grass, we look at Hockey's reaction to budget criticism, and the build up to the World Cup in our new not-really-news segment.

In case you've been travelling around the world trying to assemble an awful Avengers-style team of climate sceptics, worry not: we've put together this recap of all our favourite stories from the week.

The Roast prints headlines on a 3,000-year-old tree, we look at new bikie laws and the government's plans to delist Tasmanian forest as a World Heritage Site. While we're at it, that Eiffel Tower? Chop it down.

The Roast photoshops a funny hat on the headlines to get more clicks, we tell you all about ISIS and look at the end of the "age of entitlements". Funny name for an age that.

The Roast checks how many headlines there are by ramming a harpoon through them, Labor assesses its asylum seeker policy and we look at National Service solving our selfishness. Dumb story: it's not even about me.

The Roast accuses the headlines of bias for only reporting facts, we look at calls for a double dissolution, and Google is collecting data on school kids' web activity. Expect the war with Child Terminators to begin shortly.

Sometimes living in the past is healthy. The Roast lives in the past and takes a look at the last weeks top stories, because - Health.

The Roast photoshops something on the headlines and pretends it's news, we look at Labor's critical review of itself, and North Korea threatens Julie Bishop with the nothing they have.

The Roast reads the headlines' mail, we look at the recent rulings on Chaplains, Visas and Trees, and Japan considers lifting a ban on dancing, so good news for prisoners on the 3:10 Sushi Train to Yuma.

The Roast listens to the headlines' juiciest voicemail messages, we look at the verdicts of the News Corp trials, and the Greens' opposition to a green policy.

The Roast puts a red sock in the headlines' whites laundry, and we look at the revelations from Clive Palmer's big change of mind after a brief meeting with Al Gore. Also, Al Gore is a Jedi.

If you've had your head in the sand hiding from climate science for the past week, why not surface for some air and a catch up on the week's news with our recap?

The Roast repeatedly whispers "It's not your fault" to the headlines until they break down crying, we start looking at the incoming senate, and controversy within NRL.

The Roast slaps an ice cream out of the headlines' hands, and we don't even allow the incoming senators one day in the job before getting stuck into them. Bet they feel special.

The Roast surgically removes puns from the headlines, we look at the history of the PUP, and examine revelations that Facebook is manipulating our feelings. If that depresses you, find some kitten pics.

The Roast repossess the headlines' home thanks to aggressive lending, we end our Senate Week coverage, and look into the current CBA fraud sCANdal.

If you're a new incoming senator and have spent the week desperately reading up on your new terrifying job, you can catch up on all the week's events with The Roast's Recap.

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The Roast puts a beehive in the headlines' sock drawer, Palmer upstages his senators, and we look at the growing media focus on asylum seekers. Was it a media blackout or media spotlight?

The Roast lets the headlines kill dolphins for research purposes, we look at Shinzo Abe's speech, and Ricky Muir fights for the environment, like Captain Planet if he loved motor vehicles.

The Roast makes the headlines pay $11bn to be demoralised in their own country, we look at the Indonesian election, plus more World Cup coverage. Brazilians best change the channel during the second half of the show.

The Roast makes its team write headlines for $10 an hour, we look at the Israel-Palestine conflict, and examine work for the dole. Whatever happened to "be on the dole for the dole" or "the dole" as it was known?

The Roast hides sad headlines under a media blackout, we look at more recent developments with asylum seekers, and examine medicine that can kill you. The Roast: side effects may include cynicism and laughter.

The Roast makes sure all the headlines are on Team Australia, and we look at the effects of leaving 18C and the Coalition's suggested terrorism laws. If you're a racist terrorist, all the worse for you.

The Roast meta-reads the headlines but not the contents, and we look at Brandis' attempts to explain his own policies. Something to do with envelopes and addresses so that people living in the 80s can understand.

If you've been trying to stay off the grid so that the government can't harvest your metadata, worry not. You can catch up with the news in our weekly recap. Just destroy the television when you're done.

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The Roast sends the headlines to the kitchen where they belong, we look at the financial burden of internships, and examine misogyny amongst Young Liberals. It's like The Coalition: Kids.

The Roast follows the headlines into a war-zone, we look at Australian involvement in Iraq, and 40% of Australians are apparently losing faith in democracy: still a landslide win for democracy overall though.

The Roast zooms past headlines walking along the side of the road being all poor, and we look at "Foghorn Leghorn" Joe Hockey: yes, Joe Hockey, that Texan rooster. - wait, what?

If you missed The Roast this week because you're still walking home from work because you're not rich and don't drive, worry not. We've compiled the best bits of the week for all you povvo walkers just getting home.

The Roast ignores 97% of the headlines that contain facts, we look at Maurice Newman's contribution to the climate science debate, and explore what's killing us this week. Watch us if you want to live.

The Roast shaves the beard off of headlines that have been living in an embassy for 2 years, we look at the current situation with Julian Assange, and nominate no one to do the Ice Bucket Challenge.

The Roast changes all headlines to the words "Australian Flag", and we look into the growing concept of Team Australia. That's tonight on TABC: Team Australian Broadcasting Company.

The Roast dumps tonnes of satirical dredge on the headlines, and we look at the fate of the Great Barrier Reef. Not to give anything away, but we should probably change its name to Grave Barrier Reef.

If, like the writers and production staff of this show, you've been trapped in your workplace for a whole week, here's your chance to catch up on the week's events.

The Roast says all headlines are dangerous because of one extremist headline, we look at The Daily Telegraph's media botch, and Scott Morrison leaves his media blackout to answer questions.

The Roast's dog accidentally fouls on the headlines' lawn, and we take a look at the amazingly fair wages being paid to people with intellectual disabilities. Also, sarcasm.

The Roast delivers high speed headlines and the Coalition releases a cost-benefit analysis report on the high speed NBN.

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The Roast plunges into a time portal and finds headlines about Julia Gillard, and we look at the fate of the Renewable Energy Target. This just in: success is bad, so start failing if you want to survive.

The Roast makes the headlines walk the plank yet again in a 5th Pirates movie and we examine Australia's role in fighting ISIS. Also, if anyone from ISIS is reading this: tonight's episode is about how awful the US is.

The Roast pours a bucket of headlines all over the television and we take a closer look at the after effects of the mining tax repeal. Sadly a debate on the Comedy Writers Tax has failed to reach the Senate.

The Roast sits in the house with the red seats and squirms through Bob Day's maiden speech and we take a closer look at sexism in gaming, an issue that seems as hard to beat as Tetris level 30.

If you've been working overtime this week to desperately cobble together a better superannuation, you might have missed this week's news. Thankfully, we've put together this recap.

Unlike Oasis, the Roast decides to looks back in anger at the last year in politics, and we look at Palmer's live-action Australia Fund in a not so live-action way.

The Roast reads Stephen Hawking's new book and we look at the debate surrounding Scottish independence, it's like a Scotch Finger; split down the middle and delicious with milk.

The Roast yells 'Up Periscope!' and examines Australia's new submarine purchase, then torpedos the announcement of the new Apple Watch.

The Roast finally tunes in to Community Television only to find out it's getting the boot, then looks into gene patenting, before realising it has no right to make money off Gene Wilder.

The Roast recaps the biggest stories of the week, from Scottish independence and iGasms to a scathing review of the first year of the Abbott Government.

The Roast sires jokes about Black Caviar's daughter and Team Australia gets high on terror alerts.

The Roast looks at the day's headlines and a showdown in New Zealand between an internet entrepreneur and the government. We understand Peter Jackson has already bought the film rights.

The Roast looks at China's changes to coal import rules and Clive Palmer's voting record. It's not as impressive as his napping record.

The Roast uses star ratings to find healthy food and medical marijuana moves one step closer to legalisation. Good news if you're health conscious and have the munchies.

If at first you don't succeed try and try again. It appears we didn't succeed in getting you to watch these bits the first time, so here they are again in the Roast Recap.

The Roast looks at John Howard's big TV interview and Jacqui Lambie's comments on terrorism and Iraq. It's a great time for anyone who really misses 2003.

The Roast flies first class with PM Tony Abbott to not attend a UN climate change summit and domestic terrorism fears mount. Fear and temperature levels are rising.

The Roast throws its two cents into the government's Charity Sector Regulator bucket. Here's hoping we can claim it as a tax write off.

The Roast tells you that Kevin Rudd called Julia Gillard's memoir 'fiction' and an online reaction to Emma Watson's UN speech is stranger than fiction.

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The Roast didn't get invited to George Clooney's wedding, so instead uses the time to look at our refugee deal with Cambodia. To any Cambodian refugees, at least you'll speak the language when you're resettled.

The Roast looks into tax evasion and ABC budget cuts. So if Lateline gets cancelled, send your complaints to the Cayman Islands.

Hong Kong protests against China and the Coalition protests that Clive Palmer's Senate inquiry is a vendetta against the Qld Premier.

The Roast spies on David Leyonhjelm's speech about tobacco tax and hopes its coverage about new anti-terror laws doesn't get us spied on by ASIO.

The Roast Recap. Stories include the protests in Hong Kong and the shutdown of The Australia Network. So shutdown your other plans to catch up on the week's news.

The Roast examines CCTV footage in WA and smells it to make sure our olfactory senses are working before singing glory glory to the headlines.

The Roast checks Greg Hunt's facts on Climate Change. Turns out Wikipedia isn't a peer-reviewed scientific journal after all.

The Roast looks at calls for Labor Party reform. Actual reform seems unlikely, though. The only thing the Labor Party likes to change is their leader.

The Roast dives into the Palmer United Party and surfaces as confused and disoriented as we are by Australia's inaction on Ebola.

The Roast recap gets bored with the ALP's attempts to reform itself, hot in a changing climate and sick with Ebola in Africa - so get ready to turn that frown, even more down.

The Roast crams for the school curriculum review, and then gets kicked off the bus after shouting the findings at some unsuspecting passenger.

The Roast finds a physically threatening way to interpret news as we look at Abbott's promise to "shirtfront" Vladimir Putin. In tomorrow's news, Abbott will have mysteriously disappeared.

The Daily Telegraph uncovers some striking media bias involving NSW Premier Mike Baird and a shady media publication called 'The Daily Telegraph'.

The Roast lets Apple and Facebook freeze its eggs in case it one day wants to have a more miniature version of a 10 minute show.

The Roast recap shirt-fronts the week's news. Stories include Abbott v Putin, racism on public transport and a guide for those doing final year exams. Exam tip: the answer is C. Even in the essay questions.

The Roast lifts the veil on the Parliament's reversal of the burqa ban and embarks on an epic quest to destroy the phrase "girly man" once and for all.

The Roast checks its email account, deletes offensive emails from a university professor, tags Killing Us This Week and puts the death of former PM Gough Whitlam in the "sad news" folder.

The Roast freaks out over the new ISIS video and the end of our asteroid-spotting program. Now we'll never know when the world will end. Meaning today is as good a time as ever to make passionate love to your ex.

The Roast joins the Palmer United Party in Mrs Palmer's place and offers to take on the responsibility of fighting Ebola. So far the plan is to make fun of it until it promises to stop doing what it's doing.

The Roast rewatches the teen ISIS video, pines for a time when you were allowed to fight in a cage in Melbourne and remembers that ridiculous comment Mathias Cormann made.

The Roast looks at Bill Shorten's defence of gay marriage and the makers of Dallas Buyers Club are on the hunt for internet pirates. So bad news for everyone in Dallas Stealers Club.

The Roast looks at the negatives of a multilateral Free Trade Agreement and the destruction of the Great Barrier Reef. So bad news for anyone who isn't money or a dead fish.

The Roast becomes 40 cents more expensive as we examine a potential rise in fuel prices, and we look at uni fees. If you drive to uni you should basically give up now.

The PUP backs the Direct Action Plan and Jacqui Lambie attempts to pull the wool over our eyes and the burkas off our faces.

You wake up in a cold sweat, you don't know where you are and you've missed a week's worth of life. Luckily the Roast Recap is here to catch you up.

Brisbane prepares itself for G20 and the UN prepares planet earth for some bad news. SPOILER: It's *not* that the earth's pregnant.

The Roast covers the Melbourne Cup and then the National Gallery art scandal, heeding the age old advice not to put the art before the horse.

The Roast puts the Australian government's response to ebola under the microscope. Spoiler Alert: we find tiny traces of reluctant sympathy.

The Roast says goodbye to Australia's politicians and previews what we would have done if we were to return in 2015.

The Roast takes a look back at the week's news and it's a little awkward because we already said goodbye to it.