The Roast

- Season 2

(2013)

North Korea evicts ambassadors and Julia Gillard announces Chinese trade show. Like the Easter show, but all the toys are made in China - Oh wait.

Tonight's Roast isn't about Margaret Thatcher. We promise.

Asylum seekers reach WA, and Australia launches its first space policy. Off-planet refugee processing facility soon to follow.

Government deletes rainbow, plans high speed train, and scores meth - sorry seizes meth - expect rainbows everywhere tomorrow.

Thatcher's funeral, Toyota car recall, and Qantas offends people who have an over-entitled attachment to bacon.

Govt announces more school funding, Bieber announces he's a narcissist, and Nepal TV host announces "Buddha was born in Nepal" - for 62 hours.

Venezuala elects new president, BBC uses students as cover and Pakistan sends a bird to India.

Pauline Hanson, trials by twitter, and an Al Qaeda magazine. A magazine? You go Al Qaeda; maybe try Myspace next.

Know what this is about? Be the first one to add a plot.

Tonight, lucky Telstra has won a $1.1bn contract, and a lucky op-shop has been left $50k in a suitcase. Also, in NSW national parks, lucky animals can now be shot.

We're in serious debt according to Wayne Swan. Gen-Y is conservative according to Cleo. The Czech Republic is Chechnya according to US twitter users.

We're going to win the Olympics in running shoes made out of a crocodile's face. How? Tune in to The Roast tonight to find out.

Tonight, France legalises gay marriage, someone sells fake bomb detectors, and media twitter accounts get hacked.

From the Roast Archives: NSW gets Random Breath Testing and Prime Minister Harold Holt drowns. Should have caught a water taxi. It's a 'Classic Roast'.

Australia is downloading Game of Thrones too much. A cartoon helps Chinese kids get rid of tapeworms and Clive Palmer's new political party. WARNING: May contain graphic violence, tapeworms, and images of Clive Palmer.

Know what this is about? Be the first one to add a plot.

Tonight we read our airports report cards. Also, QLD health minister complains about complaints and a Twitter user asks if Black Caviar used steroids. So far Ms. Caviar has not responded - Because she's a horse.

Talking about Dutch royals, Craig Thomson's legal fees and the internet's 20th birthday.

Tonight the CEO of Myer thinks money is good, the Australian Christian Lobby opposes something bad and QLD Justices of the peace get to decide who is good and who is bad.

Looking at Hollywood's opposition to gun control, Queensland accepting female monarchs, and a reality show about naked women.

Clive Palmer denies Peter Slipper membership, the Pope canonises 800 new saints, and Canberra launches a "Skywhale". Expect Clive Palmer's "Skywhale II" soon.

In tonight's episode: tour operators oversell tickets to Gallipoli centenary, UN suggests eating insects, and it's budget night. That's right: two interesting stories. Also, it's budget night.

In tonight's show, Chris Hadfield returns from space, we cover queue-jumpers in Disneyland, and look at the budget: good news, the ABC got more money. Hopefully now we can afford one more special effects dog-sequence this year.

Tonight we investigate the food poisoning outbreak in Canberra, the effect of global warming on the wine industry, and nuclear waste being transported through Sydney. The Roast - now with superhuman powers and bizarre growths. - that also have powers.

Abbott has prolonged our budget reporting by replying to the budget, and Eurovision's about to begin. Fortunately we don't have to report on these stories because, like immigration, we're pretending we don't exist.

Looking at the soon-to-be reduced baby bonus, immunisation-only schools, and Russia's bid to be the first country to send animals into space and successfully bring them back completely dead.

Tonight on the Roast, we look at live gambling odds in SA, the cancellation of World Nutella Day, and Rudd's revelation as being pro gay marriage. Great news: now gay couples in 2007 can get married.

Tonight, the Pope allegedly performs an exorcism, we look at the pros and cons of "singles" carriages on trains, and liberals propose privatising the ABC. All that on The Roast, soon to be 8 minutes long with 2 minutes of ads.

Tonight, we look at WA potentially seceding from Australia, the police's new campaign against firearms, and, after Nick Xenophon, The Roast team become the final people in Australia to not start their own political party.

Job fears as Ford announces factory closures, toilet fears as Venezuala runs out of toilet paper, and security fears as Gov't releases a terrorist chemical watch list.

Tonight, we look at the celebrity members of Palmer's party, a nationwide ban on live odds, and censorship at the Vivid Festival: we submitted our own photo of a d***fl**ing shadow p***sh*nt but they wouldn't show it.

Tonight, Cardinal Pell apologises for child-abuse cover-ups, celebrity sports people influence our dieting habits, and China allegedly hacks the ASIO mainframe. How did they do that when they don't even have a proper Google?

After failing to develop superpowers, The Roast team are returning their radioactive ASOS belts. Also, election funding has been increased, and Bill Gates asks for more taxes on the rich: he's a real hero. Not like us - we just have radiation poisoning.

The Roast looks at Eddie Mcguire's "King Kong" comment, Australia's spying on East Timor, and changes to sexting laws.

The Roast covers the increase in steroid use, raw milk and a bookshop where young men are being encouraged to fight in Syria. The only thing our bookshop has encouraged us to do is buy a Christine Anu CD, but we already had it.

Tonight we look at Telstra digging up asbestos during their NBN rollout, Australia thinking about becoming a republic again, and Japan promotes whale meat as nutritious - thank goodness whales are infinite in number and immune to pain.

In tonight's episode, we look at Japan spending tsunami relief funds on cheese, an increase in minimum wage, and Channel 9 retains cricket. At least we know it's still the same channel we won't watch when the cricket's on.

In tonight's episode we look at China's censorship of Tianaman Square, an Asteroid which narrowly missed earth and David Attenborough's cancellation of his Australian tour. Perhaps he'll send his brother instead, Clive Palmer's probably looking for a John Hammond.

Tonight, there's more infighting in Labor, Bob Carr admits he's not writing his blog, and a US company claims to have patented the podcast. Damnit. We'd just patented internet, sounds, and hearing.

Tonight, Aus govt stops helping Julian Assange, the British Government compensates Kenyan torture victims and Tajikistan President bans YouTube. It's a sad day for the people of Tajikistan, and cats. See you in a week.

In tonight's episode, will Rudd be leader? Also, progressive Australia to get a Ministry for Women, and Iran treats its female leader with scorn and prejudice - wait - sorry, that's the other way round. Well done Iran then.

Tonight, a Greek court demands the return of state television, Abbott gets 8,000 people on the phone, and Putin allegedly steals a $25,000 ring - such a shame, he'd been so nice up until this.

Tonight, there are riots in Brazil, a study shows most of Australian TV is news programming, and Cory Bernardi again links gay marriage to polygamy and bestiality: we at The Roast loved animals way before gay marriage was legal anywhere.

Tonight, Dolce and Gabbana jailed for tax evasion, the White House release a "School Shooting" survival guide and suggestions Channel 9 may influence cricket team selections...Will choose bad players so the cricket doubles as Funniest Home Videos.

Tonight we look at Abbott's plan for the north of Australia, a Greens senators plan to house the homeless and Instagram offers a video option. Finally, a way to share videos on the internet. That definitely does not already exist.

Tonight, Star Casino unveils its proposals for a resort, Edward Snowden is fleeing US prosecution to Ecuador, and Facebook accidentally leaks details of 6 million users, including Snowden's; he's just checked in at a cafe across the street.

Tonight, liquid breakfast drinks aren't as nutritious as you think, a man walks across a big empty space on a tightrope, and Australian supermarkets are using workers in sweatshop conditions, but not us: all of our jokes were written by free-range comedians.

Tonight, Snowden is still in a Russian airport, Prime Minister Gillard's knitting photo is apparently controversial, and Obama uses his executive power to tackle climate change - like a dictator, only he listens to science.

Tonight, it's our Labor Leadership spill special, not that we want you to think there's anything "special" about Labor spills; there'll probably be another one by the weekend.

Tonight, we look at Rudd's plans for the cabinet, a controversial video game is refused a rating in Australia and what Julia Gillard can look forward to post-leadership: probably knitting up her suit jackets where the knife-wounds are.

Tonight, Rudd's popularity goes up in the polls, the Sydney monorail sees its last day, and disaster at the Tour de France as no one takes drugs and takes a normal-human amount of time to finish the race.

Tonight, Snowden is still in a Russian Airport, Jennifer Lopez controversially performs in Turkmenistan, and the NSW government is initiating a statewide ban on tanning beds: now we'll only be able to get a tan using the abundant Sun we've always had.

Tonight, Fairfax introduces a pay wall, we say farewell to the national tally room, and Ed Husic comes under fire for taking his oath of office on the Koran - unlike swearing on the Bible which is much better and definitely means people can't lie.

Tonight, Snowden causes the president of Bolivia to be held up on a flight, there's an Egyptian military coup, and Rudd has challenged Abbott to a debate - sort of like challenging him to do what they're meant to do every day.

Tonight, Melissa Doyle set to leave Sunrise, Rudd initiates reforms for NSW branch of Labor to stamp out corruption, and more Kellogg's ads are banned for targeting children: let's hope products for adults can still use cartoon dinosaurs and free toys.

Tonight, Andy Murray wins Wimbledon, adult images are uploaded to Qantas' Facebook page, and private schools protest an anti-discriminatory law that could prevent them from expelling gay students: goddamn anti-discriminatory laws and their common sense.

Tonight, a teenager is arrested over a tweet at a Pink concert, Rudd suggests Labour leadership voting reforms, and QLD taxis to record video and audio of their passengers, yielding footage that's somehow worse than Celebrity Splash.

Tonight, Rupert Murdoch is called to another parliamentary inquiry, Bin Laden evaded detection using a cowboy hat, and magnifying glasses are issued to help read ballot papers, finally the electoral process is embracing technology.

Tonight, Rudd suggests a change to the constitution, Australia is being flooded with cheap imports, and Wyndham is collecting data on its inhabitants - in leaking this fact, all of The Roast team are now seeking asylum in Ecuador.

Tonight, we look at the build up to the Royal baby birth, Western Australia wants the Gonski deadline extended, and the 9/11 mastermind designs blueprints for a vacuum cleaner - the blueprints depict a tunnel out of prison and an escape helicopter.

Tonight, the US army has bombed the Great Barrier Reef, Rudd announces his new asylum seeker policy, and visa fraud rates are reaching 50% - well done visa cheats: 50% - that's a pass.

Tonight, the British Prime Minister wages a war on internet pornography, Clive Palmer forgets a candidate's name, and the Royal baby has been born, creating new job opportunities for infant Royal lookalike wannabes.

Tonight, the Roast takes a look at Abbott's 24-hour asylum challenge to Rudd, the eradication of written signatures in favour of PINs, and Rudd's gift to the Royal baby - he just needs to cross out Julia's name on the gift card.

Tonight, the PNG Prime Minister responds to criticism from Abbott, Thailand's rice stockpiles go off, and WA premiere asks for more thanks.

Tonight, the Roast gets political with the launch of Julian Assange's political party, Bob Katter's campaign video and a crackdown on stationery spending by the QLD government. Next on their agenda: who keeps leaving their tea bags in the sink?

Tonight, the Pope speaks at World Youth Day on a beach in Brazil, a proposal to send people wanting the dole to boot camp and Kevin Rudd and his wife visit the troops in Afghanistan. It will go down as their least romantic weekend getaway ever.

Tonight, Queensland has overturned safety regulations to legalise the extremely necessary Segway, criminals are using social media to corrupt police, and the Aus. Gov't recommends ways to avoid geoblocking: suggestions include entering the world of Tron with a fake digital moustache.

Tonight, Rudd brings in Obama's campaign managers, tent companies might influence the Coalition's asylum-seeker policy, and Bradley Manning is found "not-guilty" of aiding al-Qaeda, thankfully it means he'll probably only get up to 136 years in prison for espionage.

Tonight, Vodafone scraps high roaming charges, there are tax hikes on cigarettes and we look at the NSW state Labor corruption inquiry: without "corruption" that sentence would be terrifyingly boring.

Tonight on The Roast: the government moves to establish a bank bailout fund and a Qantas flight gets hijacked by gastro, but first...Edward Snowden has been granted temporary asylum in Russia. After 40 days and 40 nights in a Moscow airport transit lounge.

Tonight, it's the election announcement special. Expect unending speculation for weeks - weeks.

Tonight, it's the first day of the election campaign, climate change affects our moods, and scientists create lab-grown beef creating job-loss fears for cows.

Tonight, the second day of the election campaign, Anders Breivik applies for university and Queensland's Parliament rocked by sex scandal. NSW Parliament says it's not as impressive as their scandal.

Tonight, Obama cancels talks with Putin, French protesters destroy eggs and conspiracy theories make a terrible election even more terrible.

Tonight, Peter Beattie enters the election race, Gorbachev denies he is dead and Rudd and Abbott commit to a debate. At least they agree on something.

Tonight, rumours that Abbott's twitter followers are fake, the Norwegian prime minister poses as a taxi driver, and we look at the leaders debate. Well, at least someone watched it.

Tonight, we look at the first election gaffe, another ex-sports person stands for parliament, and Tony Abbott's stance on same-sex marriage shifts slightly, so slightly that it's confused people into thinking it's exactly the same.

Tonight, continuing election coverage, we look at more election gaffes, and the Liberal party changes its voting preference. Now if you want the Greens to win, you'll have to vote for them directly.

Tonight, our dedicated election coverage continues, Climate Alert raises issues with both parties' carbon reduction policies, and an Iranian councillor is "too attractive" for public office. In other news, scientists discover "men are often sexist" gene in men.

Tonight, we look at the solutions to asylum seekers, polls show Abbott is more popular and the election is apparently still on. Not watching our coverage may result in a fine.

In our continuing election coverage, it's Election Debate 2, Peter Slipper recycles his posters, Abbott considers an NDIS, The Daily Telegraph reveals actress is an actress, there's pre-poll voting, and Kevin Baker stands down.

Tonight, we bring you the latest in the election, a frenzy of campaign launches, and analysis of the Coalition's boat buyback plan: be prepared to think: "Wow, that's a great policy."

Tonight, the election, is one day closer than yesterday, Labor plans to move naval base, and we look at the Coalition gambling reform policy. We were surprised it doesn't involve shipping gamblers to Nauru.

Tonight, our election coverage continues, Rudd questions Abbott's temperament and the Coalition announces unemployment policy. ALP said to be "studying it closely".

Tonight, we continue our election coverage and will never stop, we look at the Coalition's plans for getting back into surplus, as well as vouchers for married couples: finally, an incentive to marry other than commitment and genuine love.

The Roast enables more election addicts, we look at Kevin Rudd's run in with the treasury, and Abbott discusses education at a school that considers homosexuality to be wrong: the Coalition is currently trying to find the wormhole that sent him to the 17th century.

Tonight as the election campaign enters its final week we analyse further developments in the Coalitions' asylum seeker policy and, Labour officially launches its campaign for re-election. Forget everything that was said before. The campaign begins now.

Behold words at high speeds as we continue our election coverage, we take you on a tour of Tony Abbott's career, and anticipate the election ad blackout on Wednesday. In case of hunger for political venom, please break open Talkback Radio.

The Roast nuzzles once more into the election's depths, we bring you our Kevin Rudd profile, and look at Abbott's threat to dissolve both houses. It's like Democracy meets The Block.

The dolphins of the election once more wash up on The Roast's beaches, we bring you the profiles of some smaller parties, and the Coalition plan an asylum seeker news blackout. Personally, we think it's important to discuss Asy**$m Se## - to discuss the perfectly clear oceans.

Like a lost puppy wandering through a minefield, the election has come to an expected end. We also guide you through the voting process, and look at the Coalition's recently handed-in policy costings which we've definitely had enough time to read: well-played.

Join The Roast for an election wrap-up as we say goodbye to the Rudd-Gillard era, and hello to Family First and The Motoring Enthusiast parties in the senate. If you own a religious car, then this is the Senate for you.

The Roast looks at the election aftermath, the journalists who landed on Christmas Island and the growing calls from within the Labor Party for Kevin Rudd to retire for his party's sake. Have they ever met Kevin Rudd?

The Roast examines the proposals to reform a divided Senate, Clive Palmer's controversial election campaign and everything else important that's happened in the news, especially why Dennis Rodman thinks he's important again.

The Coalition is still in the midst of dismantling Labor's Clean Energy Finance Corporation and Labor is still in the midst of dismantling itself with infighting and leadership struggles.

The Roast slips into the headlines like a tasteful negligee, we look at allegations of match-fixing, and the Labor leadership battle: given Labor's recent track record, The Coalition may win that too.

The Roast longingly gazes at the headlines, Abbott's new cabinet, and Indonesia rejects Coalition asylum-seeker policy: lucky we're getting a 3-star general involved to keep things nice and simple.

The Roast puts on its most flattering swimwear to dive into the headlines, Albanese launches ALP election and Abbott kicks off government of 'no surprises' by cutting everything. Surprise.

The Roast gently feels a bump as it reverses over the headlines, we look at cuts to public servants, and we look at Abbott's first day in charge of women's affairs: expect women everywhere to be crying, we assume with happiness.

The Roast does a 5-point palm exploding heart technique on the headlines, we look at the first days of the new government and WA Premier Barnett asks Tony Abbott to consider raising the GST. Silly Barnett, he doesn't raise anything, he razes everything.

The Roast shows off its oily, headline-ripped body on the beach of current affairs, we look at the RBA's near-deal with Saddam Hussein's family, and the Coalition breaks its own asylum seeker blackout. Apparently, redact the boats wasn't working.

The Roast respectfully pushes the headlines out to sea on fire, the US leaves raising the debt ceiling to the absolute last second and Julia Gillard given warm response at first interview. Hopefully she doesn't do a Rudd and try and be PM again.

The Roast continues its fine tradition of ignoring punctuation in headlines, Tony Abbott's visit to Indonesia is a surprising success and the US government stops paying their employees so they can continue to pay their employees.

The Roast eats headlines and regurgitates them into the mouths of its young, we look at Abbott's trip to Indonesia, and online black market Silk Road gets closed down: now you'll have to buy heroin in the shops.

The Roast becomes satirically obese as it takes part in an all-you-can-eat headline contest, the Church gets embroiled in another scandal, and the Fleet Review arrives in Sydney: boat people Tony Abbott is actually pleased to see.

The Roast thrusts its hands deep into the pockets of the headlines, the wedding expense scandal engulfs Tony Abbott and NSW Labor leader refuses a bribe of $3 million. Typical: NSW Labor going above everyone else in corruption scandals.

The Roast waits until the headlines are asleep and then tries on their clothes, we look at the Gina Rinehart trust fund trial, and there's more on Tony Abbott and tax money: where's a 3-star Tax General when you need one?

The Roast speeds off in a convertible, arm around the headlines' shoulders, the Palmer United Party may hold the balance of power in the Senate and the Labor leadership ballot goes to caucus: there's a 50/50 chance of Labor winning or winning.

The Roast opens its airlock and pushes the headlines into the cold vacuum of space, we cover the US Shutdown and federal government moves to block marriage equality in ACT: Tony Abbott may soon be able to sleep at night without fear of being gay-married.

The Sirens of the Roast sing seductively and smile as the headlines crash on its rocky shores, we have a profile of Bill Shorten and analyse Australia's relationship with China, where this episode was made.

The Roast travels back in time and terminates the headlines' parents, we look at the winners and losers from Labor's frontbench announcement and we learn that QLD may soon have seven casinos. One more and they get a free gambling addiction clinic.

The Roast deliberately leaves the headlines at the altar, union boss Michael Williamson pleads guilty to corruption and Abbott threatens double-dissolution election if Carbon Tax not repealed. Sounds like a gold medallist who wants to do two laps of honour.

The Roast plunges the headlines into debt and then seizes its home, HECS debt may one day get privatised and the US avoids default by finally agreeing to raise the debt-ceiling: China relieved Obama can finally borrow more.

The Roast changes all of the headlines' passwords, we look at the defeat of a Tasmanian euthanasia bill and anti-bikie laws pass in QLD. Good thing bikies are well known to obey the law.

The Roast organises a murderous clown for the headlines birthday, we politicise the Adam Bandt debate and asylum seekers are back in the news. Is it good news? Of course not, what world do you live in?

The Roast swaps faces with the headlines and masquerades as a member of its family, US spying on France is confirmed, and the Coalition might bypass the Senate on its Direct Action policy: wow, that policy really lives up to its name.

The Roast "forgets" its wallet and leaves the headlines with the bill, the Coalition plans to oppose ACT same-sex marriage, and Australia to raise its debt-ceiling: now we can afford to have more nothing.

The Roast strands the headlines on an iceberg and then increases carbon emissions, Bob Carr suddenly retires, and Al Gore weighs in on Australia's climate policies: we have climate policies?

The Roast lets the headlines evolve over millions of years only to tell them it was all a bearded sky man, the Coalition to make cuts so it can repeal the Mining Tax and more revelations of NSA spying. Watch the Roast in complete darkness to ensure privacy.