In Sickness and in Health

- Season 5

(1990)

As a result of a power cut Alf and Mrs Hollingbery repair to the candle-lit pub where Alf sounds off about Margaret Thatcher,despite her being a Conservative, and a general argument breaks out with Arthur and Fred Johnson about a number of things - including death,the undertaker at the next table unsettling Alf. When he and Mrs Hollingbery return home after the lights have gone back on Alf rails at her for wasting electricity before fusing all the electrics in the house.

They may be halfway up the aisle but Alf and his bride-to-be are still arguing,especially when she wants to throw out his furniture as being tat. A fake overdose attempt cuts no ice so Alf is off to the pub to talk about suicide, death and heaven - though Fred Johnson,as an atheist,is having none of it. Back home Alf tries another pretend suicide but is diverted when Mrs Hollingbery brings him in a roast dinner and a can of beer - plus more Aspirin in case he runs out.

Complaining that Alf is a shabby dresser,Mrs Hollingbery also wants him to take out life insurance in case he goes first. In the pub a discussion on health does anything but allay Mr Carey's fears about getting a hip replacement in view of Alf's horror stories about hospital. Another row between the Johnsons prompts Alf to surmise that Fred is a poisoner,leading to Mrs Hollingbery getting her own back by pretending to poison Alf.

Alf decides to earn some money by working for Mrs Carey as a window cleaner. He fails to get any wages but gets lots of free groceries after catching the milkman in a compromising position. Later Arthur wins the jackpot on the fruit machine at the British Legion but he and Alf decide to split it and keep quiet about it. Baffled by the presence of the groceries and informed by Alf that he has no money for her Mrs Hollingbery is not pleased when Fred tells everybody what really happened.

Alf and Arthur are in the pub recalling old times and Alf is not impressed when Arthur tells him that he was once the local Romeo and the celebrity captain of the juniors football team. He is even less impressed when everybody else who comes in , especially Mrs Hollingbery,are fawning over Arthur and seeking autographs. Alf then gets a job as a dog walker but the two large dogs get him into trouble with an irate housewife and end up injuring him.

Alf is initially nervous when he receives a brown envelope but swells with pride when he sees that it is calling him up for jury service, a fact which causes him to lord it in the pub. However, when Fred tells him of a juror who was hospitalised for sending a man down and he believes he is being followed by a sinister stalker, Alf finds himself besieged in a strange house.

As Alf's day as a juror approaches he sounds off in the pub about his views on justice,inevitably inviting opposing comments from Mr Carey,who believes that the system is corrupt and imprisons the innocent and Fred,who,once more frightens him with tales of retribution from aggrieved villains. By the time he takes his place in the jury box - his trousers wrongly ironed by Mrs Hollingbery - Alf has a plan to preserve his anonymity,a false beard.

Alf organizes a pensioners' outing,immediately falling foul of the bus driver as all the passengers have bus passes which delays the start. In the course of the trip Alf almost has a fight with an Irishman,directs all the ladies to use the gents' toilets to prevent queueing and is rewarded with a glimpse of the queen. Come evening all the pensioners are drunk and noisy, which leaves the driver dreading the trip back home.

The happy couple discuss their forthcoming wedding, a marriage of convenience in every sense as they intend to each remain in their own flat and the bride has no desire for sex,despite Alf's boasts about his youthful prowess. That night a terrible storm dislodges a box of money Alf has been hiding in the chimney. To Alf's annoyance Mrs Hollingbery claims half of it.

After baffling the Catholic priest who will be marrying him to Mrs Hollingbery with thoughts on separate heavens Alf goes on his stag night where his friends have had a whip round for a cheap cutlery set and the bride comes in to take him home whilst he is enjoying himself with the stripper. Next day everybody assembles for the wedding but,on learning that he wants her to 'obey' him Mrs H jilts Alf at the altar,complaining about his cheap skate ways. Fred thinks he has had a lucky escape but Alf disagrees,claiming that he could have been watching West Ham instead.

Following the non-wedding the happy couple hold separate receptions with their same sex friends but just before Christmas Mrs Hollingbery goes to confession, the priest telling her that she has wronged Alf and should do penance. To Alf this means cooking and cleaning for him and, to make her feel guilty, pretends he had booked a luxury honeymoon for them. Mrs H however rebels and, when the priest visits to make her do further penance, makes sure she gets her money's worth.