The Schlocky Horror Picture Show

- Season 8

(2007)

Get ready to discover the terrifying effects of atomic waste in the form of a horribly mutated war veteran. Can Professor Jackson and his sexy assistant unlock the monster's frightening secret? Will teenager Elizabeth finally confront her own fears? Will George survive his encounter with the hideous beast? Will Jonathan and Amy go 'all the way'? These questions and others will be more than likely ignored as we sit back, relax, and absorb the irradiated swampy goodness that is The Monster Of Phantom Lake.

by Dino Tavella starring Maureen Brown and Luigi Martocci. It seems that some unidentified loony - who gets around the canals in scuba gear and looks very fashionable in his official Nigel Honeybone mask - is creeping about the city, abducting women, and taking them to his underground lair beneath the canals. These beautiful girls are laid out on a slab, embalmed and placed on display while the scoundrel chats with them endlessly. It may be more difficult than collecting stamps, but it's easier on the eye than train-spotting.

by Christopher R. Mihm starring Josh Craig and Shannon McDonough. This week's purposely preposterous film is our second incursion upon the Mihmiverse, and signals the return of vaguely memorable characters like the intrepid Canoe Cops Sven and Gustav played by Mike Cook and M. Scott Taulman. There's also Josh Craig, a student of the Shatnerian school of acting, who is both affable and laughable as Professor Jackson, and has a lot more dialogue this time around, all of which is punctuated with poignant pauses to emphasize key words. His delivery seems frighteningly ...

by Herbert Tevos and Ron Ormond starring Jackie Coogan and Dolores Fuller. This is packed with everything you'd ever want in a vintage monster movie: giant spiders, dancing girls, mad scientists, dancing spider-girls, dancing mad scientists, flashbacks within flashbacks, escaped serial killers, square-jawed heroes, dated ethnic stereotypes and nonstop wall-to-wall flamenco guitar. Speaking of which, the soundtrack will drive you insane as the same refrain is repeated again and again and again and, for variety, a cat walks across the piano keys once in a while.

Nigel Honeybone presents the 2008 Christopher R. Mihm movie "Cave Women on Mars" on Adelaide Channel 44 streamed live.

Not so much a movie as a seventy-minute montage of stock situations and cliché's. I'm pretty sure it was put together out of some kind of kit. I can imagine the director with an Airfix model instruction sheet deeply inhaling glue while mumbling, "Attach Mad Scientist C to Dead Convict A, then insert Oscilloscope Close-Up from stock footage reel two..." Its lack of imagination is almost as awe-inspiring as its innocence: Generic cops, generic robbers, generic mad science, generic locations, generic dancing girls, generic climax.

by Christopher R. Mihm starring Dan Sjerven and Shannon McDonough. Prepare to gaze in disbelief as a terrifying mutant creature hell-bent on destruction rises from the darkest of nether regions, while a brilliant geologist and his young female colleague assist the sheriff and a hot-headed father to find two lost children, unaware that underground atomic testing has mutated a cave bat into a carnivorous Terror From Beneath The Earth. Can the children be saved? Will the professor betray his scientific principles to destroy the mutant hell-beast? Can the rage of a ...

by Luigi Cozzi starring Ian McCulloch and Louise Marleau. Starbucks supposedly refers to the Star of David and bucks, meaning money, but that's far too simple to be true. The reality is that in 1980, Starbucks funded a secret mission to Mars, and took delivery of hundreds of large alien eggs to be incubated at their Colombian plantation. Tonight's documentary, Alien Contamination, exposes the shocking true story behind the worldwide death and destruction caused by America's most monstrously diabolical corporation - and makers of fine quality coffee.

by Christopher R. Mihm starring Josh Craig and Catherine Hansen. A science fiction movie unlike any other, yet reminiscent of every science fiction film you've ever seen, tonight's presentation is chockablock full of excitement and otherworldly adventure involving aliens, robots, pirates, and creatures hell-bent on galactic domination. Filmed in glorious era-appropriate black-and-white with a cast of dozens, and featuring special effects that would make my old friend Ed Wood cringe, ladies and gentlemen and things from another world, prepare yourselves for the ...

The first zombie-comedy ever made and, even after all of these years, it's still one of the best. It remains (get it?) remains to be the only zombie movie ever to be nominated for an Oscar, and I'm confident you'll feel the next ninety minutes was time well-spent - although I must reiterate that these zombies are not the flesh-eating kind. In earlier decades, zombies were portrayed as the traditional voodoo definition like White Zombie, but George Romero changed the rules in the sixties with Night Of The Living Dead. Since then, voodoo zombies have become a dying ...

by Christopher R. Mihm starring Shannon McDonough and Sid Korpi. The crew of an isolated moon-base find themselves inundated with mutated monster-men and sinister space-spores. Despite the serious situation, it's a loony lunar laugh-fest that lovingly lampoons bargain-basement B-grade movies while maintaining an innate respect for this beloved genre. So sit back, relax and prepare for the coming zombie apocalypse - on the moon.

Tonight's film is much more faithful to its source material - the creation of the Guyvers, for instance - and more violent. Sure, most of it involves violence towards men in rubber suits, but there are no punches pulled as far as fluids are concerned. These evil alien bastards are melted, get decapitated, have their wrists broken, get electrocuted, have their eyeballs punctured, receive hundreds of puncture wounds with elbow-swords, and vomit quarts of blood. The acting tends to be a little hammy at times and, although the action sequences detract from this, it ...

by Christopher R. Mihm starring Mark Scanlon and Sid Korpi. Home sweet home, a haven of tranquility and security, a private cocoon, the one place you can truly feel safe. But not so in the nightmarish world of horror movies: Creaking doors, sinister darkened basements, unnatural otherworldly noises. Gather up your crucifixes and pray. Don't fall asleep. Don't wander off, because malevolent spirits, psychotic subhumans, demonic re possessors, the ravenous undead, even homicidal poltergeist pigs are waiting to invade, to break bones, to tear flesh, to feast on gore, to ...

You know when you're watching an Ed Wood film, you couldn't confuse it with the work of any other filmmaker. It's like any film by Fellini or Bergman or Capra - he has a distinctive, very unusual style. A total individual. Love them or hate them, you can't deny his films are certainly strange and unique, as was the life of Ed Wood Junior. He was someone who could be truly called a cult director, thanks largely to movies like this one, his low-budget extraterrestrial extravaganza Plan Nine From Outer Space.