Steptoe and Son

- Season 6

(1970)

Albert accidentally knocks over Harold's china cabinet, smashing its contents. Scared to face his son he hides the broken pieces along with other items, knocks himself unconscious and claims he was robbed by five skinheads and a Pakistani. Harold calls the police who commend Albert on his bravery in tackling the intruders. He is even awarded a medal. It looks like he might just have got away with it until Harold looks in the old gas cooker and makes an unwelcome discovery.

Harold wants to win the affections of a woman called Jean who is a great fan of ballroom dancing but is pessimistic because he has two left feet. Albert, on the other hand, was once very light on his feet so he teaches Harold the basic steps with which to impress Jean. Unfortunately Albert has been leading all the time and Harold going backwards so he ends up only learning the woman's steps.

Harold is predictably displeased when Albert announces his intention to marry again, but he is shocked when he sees that his prospective stepmother, Daphne, is a woman he went out with himself many years earlier, losing touch with her due to a misunderstanding when he joined the army. Daphne and Harold's old feelings for each other come back immediately, leading Daphne to make a hard decision and give up both Steptoe and Son.

Campaigning for the by-election has started and, despite his failure to be selected, Harold is still a Labour supporter whilst Albert is voting Tory - not only that but Prime Minister Heath is coming to tea with him. Harold is appalled and plans not only a nude protest for the photo call but a nasty surprise in the toilet which is unfortunately discovered by the Tory agent when he comes to announce that Heath's visit is off.

Harold wants to move up in the world so he and a reluctant Albert go to view a suburban semi-detached house. When the local Residents' Association gets to hear that two rag and bone men are planning to move into the area they offer a bribe to stop them coming. Harold is appalled by such prejudice but Albert sees a potential money-spinner on the way.

After suffering the results of his father's cooking, which involves crimping pie crust with false teeth, Harold shows off his new purchase, a huge snooker table, so big it eventually ends up in the yard. When he finds that Albert is much better at the game than him he becomes obsessed with the notion of beating him just once in his life and makes his dad play snooker in a rainstorm in the middle of the night. Finally a jubilant Harold wins. . .. Or was it Albert's trick shots making him think he'd won?

Having rescued Albert who's got tied up in knots doing yoga, Harold crows over his latest purchase, a Regency commode bought for seven pounds from a woman who wanted rid of it. Then her husband arrives, accusing Harold of taking advantage of his wife's ignorance and offering to buy it back for a hundred and fifty quid - which Harold accepts. After he has gone, an antique dealer arrives and goes into raptures over the commode, offering six hundred. However Harold has to buy it back from the irate spouse at three hundred. Albert points out to him that husband and dealer...

A brash Australian called Arthur turns up claiming to be Albert's long-lost elder son and, to Harold's horror, Albert believes him, agreeing that Wallaby Jim of the Islands as Harold calls the lazy, cadging interloper, should be his heir. Harold moves out into a shabby bed-sit and struggles to make a living with his hand-cart. Then his father visits and asks him to return. Arthur sold the horse and cart and disappeared. Eventually Harold agrees and, as they turn the corner, they see their horse and cart coming down the road.