Late Night with Conan O'Brien

- Season 11

(2003)

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Conan unveils new NCAA college football mascots: University of Idaho Birthing Potato, Florida State Afro Helmets, Boston University Gay Frankenstein, University of Terre Haute Straight Richard Simmons, Temple University Chinese Fabio, SUNY-Buffalo's Guy With an Actual Handlebar Mustache Riding a Bike With Mustache Handlebars, Colorado State's Gay Frankenstein Hitting on Chinese Fabio, and Clemson University's Fake Cow With Disco Ball Udders. Later, Michael Caine reveals some dark secrets. Kevin James is interviewed about his series The King of Queens; Teri Polo is ...

Conan notes that Hungarian ambassador András Simonyi is sitting in the audience. The main comedy segment is S.A.T. Analogies. Another comedy segment involves Conan killing time by playing a movie trivia game with a few members of the audience. Whoopi Goldberg is interviewed about her new series Whoopi; Rosario Dawson is interviewed about her new movie The Rundown; Eastmountainsouth performs.

The main comedy segment is G.E. Satellite Channels, where Conan shows The Overreacting to Minor Annoyances Channel, The Sugar News Network, The Hearing Impaired Dogs Channel, The Porn with Frustratingly Long Set-ups Channel, Obscure Jewish Holidays Channel, and The H.C.O.T.W. Channel. Another comedy segment involves a comparison between a summer and autumn stage manager. Diane Lane is interviewed about her new movie Under the Tuscan Sun; Wanda Sykes is interviewed about her new series Wanda at Large; Jonny Lang performs.

The main comedy segment is New Euros. Also, Conan unveils a TV channel for hearing-impaired dogs, and shows hidden security camera footage of himself and Andy Richter (and later Marilyn Manson) making out in the dressing room. The Rock is interviewed about his new movie The Rundown; Isaac Mizrahi is interviewed about his new clothing line; Robert Randolph and The Family Band performs.

The comedy segment is Kid Drawings. Alec Baldwin is interviewed about his new movie The Cooler; Vanessa Marcil is interviewed about her new series Las Vegas; Rancid performs.

The main comedy sketch is Late Night's Fall Season Premiere. A later sketch involves an audience member volunteering to hop into a giant meat grinder. Val Kilmer is interviewed about his new movie Wonderland; Carmen Electra is interviewed about her new series Livin' Large and an upcoming workout video about aerobic stripteasing; Todd Barry performs stand-up.

Jack Black joins Conan for a look into the future for In The Year 2000. Michael Caine reveals some of his darkest secrets. Conan unveils a channel made for hearing-impaired dogs. Christopher Walken is interviewed about his new movie The Rundown; Jack Black is interviewed about his new movie School of Rock; Staind performs.

Conan interviews "George W. Bush", "Rush Limbaugh", and "Arnold Schwarzenegger" live via satellite. Lisa Kudrow is interviewed about her new movie Wonderland; Jeremy Piven is interviewed about his new movies Scary Movie 3 and Runaway Jury; Grandaddy performs.

The main comedy segment is What in the World?. Later, Conan reveals he lost the show in a card game with a Russian named Sergei, who makes creative changes to it. Kevin Bacon is interviewed about his new movie Mystic River; Vivica A. Fox is interviewed about her new movie Kill Bill: Vol. 1; The Del McCoury Band performs.

Conan interviews "Arnold Schwarzenegger" live via satellite. Lucy Liu is interviewed about her new movie Kill Bill: Vol. 1; Michael Moore is interviewed about his new book Dude, Where's My Country?; Gov't Mule performs.

The main comedy segment is Expanding Our Demographic. Also, Little Jay Leno briefly stops by, and Hannigan the Traveling Salesman tries to sell his wares. Uma Thurman is interviewed about her new movie Kill Bill: Vol. 1; Josh Lucas is interviewed about his new movie Wonderland; North Mississippi Allstars performs.

The main comedy segment is Patterns. Conan also unveils who will star in an upcoming made-for-TV movie about the 2003 California recall election. A man in the audience accuses Conan of spitting on him, despite being in the back row. Gwyneth Paltrow is interviewed about her new movie Sylvia; Philip Seymour Hoffman is interviewed about his new movie The Party's Over (aka Last Party 2000); Howie Day performs.

The comedy segment is If They Mated. Later, Conan sings a lullaby to new parents and their babies. Tim Robbins is interviewed about his new movie Mystic River; Natasha Henstridge is interviewed about her new series She Spies; Kaki King performs.

The comedy segment is Actual Items. David Arquette is interviewed about his new show Mix it Up; Gina Gershon is interviewed about her new movie Pray For Rock and Roll; Béla Fleck and the Flecktones performs. And in a parody of a David Blaine magic act, The Masturbating Bear in a glass box attempts to go the whole show without pleasuring himself.

The comedy segment is S.A.T. Analogies. Norm MacDonald is interviewed about his new show A Minute With Stan Hooper; Laura Prepon is also interviewed; Triumph the Insult Comic Dog performs a song from his new album, "Come Poop With Me".

Conan shows a new episode of "60", a parody of "24" where each episode is only a second long. The main comedy segment is Celebrity Autographs. A brief comedy segment involves Conan trying to tell a joke to a blind, deaf German man in the audience. Al Franken is interviewed about his new book Lies and the Lying Liars Who Tell Them; Courtney Thorne-Smith is interviewed about her series According to Jim; The Thrills perform.

Conan shows a new episode of "60", a parody of "24" where each episode is only a second long. The main comedy segment is New State Quarters. Quentin Tarantino is interviewed about his new movie Kill Bill: Vol. 1, and Conan shows a Tarantino-inspired Three Stooges parody. Molly Sims is interviewed about her new show Las Vegas. Chuck Palahniuk is interviewed about his new novel Diary.

Conan shows a special Halloween episode of "60", the spoof of "24" where each episode is one second long. The main comedy segment is Classic Monster Makeovers, featuring The Ghosts That Can't Go Through Solid Objects, Mummy Mr. T, Franklin Stone, The Skeleton Who's Awaiting Medical Tests, Moth-Sized Mothra, Freddy Krueger Mellencamp, and a Dracula that performs liposuction. Another comedy segment is about the AOL Guy's earlier career in S&M porn. James Caan is interviewed about his new show Las Vegas; David Cross is interviewed about his new show Arrested Development;...

The comedy segment is Sweeps Ahoy!, featuring a reunion of Wagon Train, mini streakers, Joel being the victim of a mysterious crime, La Bamba being replaced with a sexy model, Conan starting a rumor that Max is dead, debuting a new character named Sam who's Jessica Simpson's stupid brother, and showcasing a made-for-TV movie called "Shafted". The second comedy segment has Conan visiting Cloppy the horse. Patrick Stewart is interviewed about his role in the Broadway play The Caretaker; Regina Hall is interviewed about her new movie Scary Movie 3; The Strokes perform.

The main comedy segment is New Celebrity Children's Books. Another comedy segment has Patrick Stewart reveals some his darkest secrets. Laurence Fishburne is interviewed about his new film The Matrix Revolutions; Steve Schirripa is interviewed about his new book The Goombas of Love; The Polyphonic Spree performs.

The main comedy segment is a remote segment where Triumph the Insult Comic Dog interviews various contestants auditioning for American Idol in Hawaii, and also does the weather report for a local TV station. It is a two-part segment that continues on the next episode. Will Ferrell is interviewed about his new movie Elf; Chloë Sevigny is interviewed about her new movie Shattered Glass; Sarah Vowell is interviewed about her new book The Partly Cloudy Patriot.

Conan notes that Triumph the Insult Comic Dog's new album outranked Barbra Streisand's album on Amazon. The main comedy segment is the second part of Triumph's coverage of American Idol auditions in Hawaii. Darrell Hammond is interviewed and does various impressions; Shannen Doherty is interviewed about her new series Scare Tactics; and Joshua Bell performs.

The main comedy segment is Actual Items. Also, Max gives a patriotic monologue about Larry Flynt purchasing nude photos of Jessica Lynch, and there's a short sketch about an old, cursed studio camera. Jenna Elfman is interviewed about her new movie Looney Tunes: Back in Action; Ice-T is interviewed about his role on Law and Order: Special Victims Unit; The Strokes performs.

There are three comedy segments: A weather forecast of where Paris Hilton's sex tape will be, and Kids Drawings. And later, Conan checks in on instant viewer feedback. Brendan Frasier is interviewed about his new movie Looney Tunes: Back in Action; Marg Helgenberger is interviewed about her show CSI; Ron Isley and Burt Bacharach perform.

The comedy segment is What in the World?. Another comedy segment is about Joel Godard's amusement park Joellywood. Dolly Parton is interviewed and performs. Steve Irwin is also interviewed about his new series Croc Hunter Challenge.

The comedy segment is G.E. Satellite Channels, showcasing the Creepy Tattoo Channel, the Thirteen Year Old Girls as E.R. Doctors Channel, The Kickin' it With White Bread and Mayo Channel, The New Onomatopoeia Channel, and The Don't Ask, Don't Tell Joe Channel. Another comedy segment concerns Conan getting a phone call from a creepy viewer. Russell Crowe is interviewed about his new movie Master and Commander: The Far Side of the World; Alicia Silverstone is interviewed about her new series Miss Match; Andrew W.K. performs.

The comedy segment is If They Mated. Another comedy segment is about a new junk email website. William H. Macy is interviewed about his new movie The Cooler. Heidi Klum is also interviewed, and The Strokes performs.

Conan interviews "George W. Bush" and "Arnold Schwarzenegger" live via satellite. The other comedy segment is about Conan's eight year old nephew causing havoc in the director's booth. Elvis Costello performs and is interviewed; Eliza Dushku is also interviewed about her new show Tru Calling.

Amidst the Michael Jackson scandal, Conan poses the question: "Where is Tito?" For the remote segment, Conan visits Martha Stewart at her horse ranch. Billy Bob Thornton is interviewed about his new movie Bad Santa. Nick Lachey is interviewed about his new solo record Solo and his new TV series Newlyweds: Nick and Jessica. The last guest is Rob Krueger, a Rock-Paper-Scissors champion.

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The first sketch is What Are They Doing Right Now?, about famous people's Thanksgiving plans. Another sketch has two marching band members interrupting the show. Bernie Mac is interviewed about his new movie Bad Santa. Ben Chaplin is interviewed about his new Broadway show The Retreat From Moscow. Thursday performs.

The main comedy segment is Live via Satellite, where Conan interviews "George W. Bush", "Al Gore", and "Arnold Schwarzenegger". Another comedy segment involves a man calling into the show, wanting Conan's job. Brian Williams is interviewed about becoming the new NBC Nightly News anchor. Tony Cox is interviewed about his new movie Bad Santa. Jim Gaffigan performs stand-up.

Conan showcases The World's Fastest Menorah again. The next comedy sketch is SAT Analogies. Jude Law is interviewed about his new movie Cold Mountain. Ron Howard shares some of his darkest secrets. Maggie Gyllenhaal is interviewed about her new movie Mona Lisa Smile. Michelle Branch performs.

Conan races the World's Fastest Menorah and World's Fastest Baby Jesus. Then he looks at lesser known foreign holidays. Greg Kinnear is interviewed about his new film Stuck on You; Bob Odenkirk is interviewed about his new movie Melvin Goes to Dinner; Tom Shales is interviewed about his new book Live From New York: An Uncensored History of Saturday Night Live.

Conan complains about the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. The main comedy segment is Actual Items. Matt Damon is interviewed about his new movie Stuck on You. Ron Howard shares more disturbing secrets. Kevin Pollak is interviewed about his new series Celebrity Poker Showdown. Randy Newman performs and is interviewed.

Conan showcases the Conan O'Brien statue in front of the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree. Next, he interviews "George W. Bush" and "Saddam Hussein" in Live via Satellite. Kelly Ripa is interviewed about her new series Hope and Faith. Emma Bolger is interviewed about her new movie In America. Tony Bennett performs and is interviewed.

Conan shows off the World's Fastest Menorah, World's Fastest Baby Jesus, and World's Fastest Kinara. The main comedy segment is about new holiday stamps. Another comedy bit about a man in the audience live-blogging about the show. Elijah Wood is interviewed about The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. Estella Warren is also interviewed. Liz Phair performs.

The comedy sketch is Conan playing Santa Claus, with boys and girls telling him what they want for Christmas. Jennifer Connelly is interviewed about her new movie House of Sand and Fog. Lewis Black performs stand-up and is briefly interviewed. Sam Goldstein, a veteran NYC cab driver, is also interviewed.

Conan shows off the World's Fastest Menorah, World's Fastest Baby Jesus, and World's Fastest Kinara. Then, Conan interviews "Michael Jackson" via satellite about joining the Nation of Islam. Another comedy segment is about medications for getting through the holidays. Natalie Portman and Bill O'Reilly are interviewed; Patty Loveless performs.

In the comedy sketch, Conan is visited by various ghosts not featured in A Christmas Carol. Julia Stiles is interviewed about her new movie Le sourire de Mona Lisa (2003). Conan tries singing "O Come, All Ye Faithful" but is repeatedly interrupted by the director and then upstaged by Mark Pender. Marc Maron is interviewed. Mitch Hedberg performs stand-up.

Conan shows Christmas party photos of himself, Max, and Joel. Later, Santa Claus stops by with a gift for Conan: Ketchup packets and carpet samples. Ian McKellen and Petra Nemcova are interviewed; The Stills performs.

Conan announces the upcoming week of shows in Toronto in February 2004. The main comedy segment is NCAA Football Mascots, featuring Alabama State Angry Man on a Tiny Bicycle, Webster State Tai Chi Scotsmen, Iowa State Bust of U.S. Agriculture Secretary Ann Veneman Made From Tainted Meat, Gonzaga University Kitten Professor of Physics, Texas Tech Stealthy Frankenstein, Villanova University Drummer With Ridiculously Long Sticks, and South Carolina State University Strom Thurman's Other Illegitimate Children. NBC Nightly News anchor Tom Brokaw is interviewed. Gary ...

The main comedy segment is a recap of 2003 with Conan, Max and Triumph the Insult Comic Dog. Amy Sedaris is briefly interviewed before being interrupted by the Central Time Zone New Year's countdown, done by James Lipton. Jarod Miller showcases numerous animals, including a slow loris, baby snapping turtles, a giant turtle, a kudamundi, and a baby lion. Another comedy piece is Late Night's All Star Celebrity Rockin' New Years Eve, presented in stop motion animation. Moby performs.

Conan shows a manipulated clip from The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King. The main comedy segment is 2003: The Year in Review, showing Live via Satellite clips from the previous year. Ethan Hawke is interviewed about his part in the play Henry IV. Conan checks in on Instant Viewer Feedback. George Wendt is interviewed about his new series House of Dreams. Natalie MacMaster performs.

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Gandhi offers a rebuttal to a joke Hillary Clinton made at his expense. The main comedy segment is Live via Satellite, where Conan interviews "George W. Bush", "Al Sharpton", and "Steve Irwin". Benicio Del Toro is interviewed about his new film "21 Grams". Richard Lewis is interviewed about his role in the HBO series "Curb Your Enthusiasm". Maroon 5 performs.

Gandhi again responds to Hillary Clinton's joke at his expense. The main comedy segment is In the Year 2000, with Ben Stiller and Gandhi. Ben Stiller is interviewed about his new movie Along Came Polly. Duchess of York Sarah Ferguson is interviewed about her new book Little Red. Rich Hall is interviewed about his new movie Red Light Runners.

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Thanks to a merger between NBC and Universal, Conan announces he can now play clips from Walker, Texas Ranger anytime he wants without paying royalties, and demonstrates with the Walker, Texas Ranger Lever. Another comedy sketch, Real Life 101, has Conan giving advice to recent college graduates. Kelsey Grammer and Mariska Hargitay are interviewed; Lewis Black performs stand-up.

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