Fairly Secret Army

- Season 1

(1984)

Major Harry Truscott, broke and unemployable, robs the poor box at the church. The vicar catches him and he has to pay a £ 50 fine. He tries to kill himself on the train tracks, but a woman stops him. He tries to jump off a bridge and an old army acquaintance stops him by offering him half of his £ 90,000 inheritance. Harry finds out that Corp. Beamish was lying to stop him from jumping. Harry tells him of his plan to start a "secret army" and recruits him. They don't like each other as Beamish had an affair with Harry's wife while he was away in the army.

Beamish's sister is Nancy, the woman Harry met on the railroad tracks. She owns the house they want to make HQ for the secret army. Beamish calls it "Operation Charm" and gives Harry money to take her to dinner to get her on side. They also have to let her join the army if she says yes. Meanwhile, Harry assumes she will say yes and invites 3 recruits to the house for the weekend. Nancy realizes that he is not there for a visit, but is in her house to set up a secret army. After several dinners out, she gives in.

Harry buys rifles from an arms dealer, but the bullets are the wrong size. They need to open a health food store as a front so they mark the rifle crate as recycled toilet paper. Harry has to buy some so they can hide the guns in the crate and pass inspection for the store license. Meanwhile, the news of the secret army is spreading and all kinds of weirdos are coming to apply. Harry finds out Bagnell can't join because his boyfriend won't let him, and Throttle won't join because he is to remarry.

The shop opens and is a raging success. Nancy decides to triple the prices and be rude to the customers to get rid of them. That does not work and people keep coming and paying the inflated prices. Throttle gets 1,000 uniforms for £300, but they seem a little small. Recruits are coming in and most of them are weird or criminals. Throttle has decided that he, and his fiance Doris, a former drill sergeant, will also join. Harry hires Crazy Colin to run the shop and a shelf falls on him and he dies.

After reaching an army of eight, Harry decides they need a fundraiser. The only problem with that is they can't tell anyone it is for an army. After various begging tactics with different agencies without success, they give up. Then Harry gets "bumped" by a car and Beamish looks at this as an opportunity to get a settlement. The woman driving is wealthy and a sore elbow turns into an ambulance ride to the hospital. They try to sue the woman based on the story that Harry is writing a book and he can't write anymore. That fails and they are back where they started.

Harry sends the teams out on role playing maneuovers. While everyone is chasing each other through the woods, Harry captures an innocent man who knocked on his door, and a burglar has been robbing them the whole time they have been out.