Duck Patrol

- Season 1

(1998)

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Ravensbeck River Police operate in a quiet backwater on the Thames. Their nominal chief, lazy Sarge, spends all his time fishing and the real boss is the Prof, who, with young assistant Darwin, is amazed to find a number of ducks and geese dyed a variety of colours. Pollution is suspected but Prof discovers that a baker's little girl has been emptying his colourings into the river. Temporary policewoman Marilyn, the object of Darwin's affection, is annoyed when hunky Hero is given the permanent posting she wanted but Hero does save Sarge when he falls into he river.

It's Prof's birthday and his girlfriend, pub landlady Val, has baked him a cake but he is anything but happy. The other officers assume that it's because he has reached retirement age and will have to go - which pleases Marilyn, who wants his job. In fact his ex-wife Gloria has sold their flat and he is homeless but with no intention of retiring. Darwin intervenes in a dispute between two farmers when one accuses the other of sheep-stealing but all is resolved and Darwin is given a lamb as a present - which he gives Prof for his birthday.

Prof has cause to inform the owners of houseboat 'Sorrento' that they are inadequately moored but the other patrol members feel there is something suspicious about the owners. When Prof gets a tip-off from another owner that they are smugglers he and the team organize a raid, having brought a TV crew to film their success but as Prof has himself forgotten to moor the police launch it is Hero who gets the recognition when he dives in to retrieve the boat. The smugglers turn out to be dealing in cheap alcohol which they supply to local inns. Val is not entirely pleased ...

Darwin thinks he has seen a mermaid though it turns out to be an actress called Shemerlda (real name Doris) shooting a television commercial. Prof cautions drunken Cyril not to set out for Dunkirk in his leaky old houseboat 'Spirit of the Deep' full of livestock so when Cyril tries to put out to sea Prof brings Shemerlda on board to seduce him into stopping. And it works - though not quite in the way Prof had envisaged.

A duck-toting burglar nicknamed 'Duck' Turpin is robbing boats on the river and local journalist Nick Sampson mocks the patrol for their inability to catch him so, to prove their efficiency, they hold an open day. At the same time Val foils the robber, confiscating the duck, and he escapes onto the police launch, where, after rescuing a dangling man and having some fun at Sampson's expense, the patrol nabs him.

Marilyn and Hero are called to a domestic disturbance where hysterical Mrs Calloway, tired of living on an island, is throwing her husband's belongings into the river. Hero uses brute force to get her off the island whereas Marilyn solves the problem by suggesting she gets her own boat. Mrs Calloway however is more grateful to Hero, increasing Prof's dislike of him, so that he undermines him when they are called out to quell a noisy party. Darwin meanwhile plucks up the courage to ask Marilyn for a date.

The passing of criminal Silty Moffatt causes Sarge and Prof to reminisce on how they defeated him years ago at the siege of Mallory Wharf. Then Marilyn and Hero introduce the new Marine Incident Response Unit, actually an inflatable dinghy with an outboard motor. Prof is not impressed and persuades aquaphobic Sarge to go back on the patrol boat with him, where they easily beat the MIRU to an emergency. Flushed with their success, they then accidentally run into the ashes of Silky which are being spread on the water.