Birds of a Feather

- Season 5

(1993)

Sharon falls for carpet-fitter Mark but he can't read or write so match-making Tracey invites him to the house for literacy lessons. Unfortunately he is attracted to the wrong sister and Tracey is tempted - but only briefly. Dorien's latest young hunk involves in an anti-fur protest which hits the headlines.

Thanks to Sharon leaving the gas on, Tracey's kitchen goes up in smoke so Dorien, looking for an escape from visiting her mother-in-law, lets the sisters spend the weekend with her whilst the new kitchen is installed. There is the inevitable culture clash but the girls reward her with a shopping trip where Tracey's delayed shock spells trouble for Dorien and the brand new kitchen brings a shock of its own.

Whilst Dorien finds a new line selling furniture, Sharon badgers Tracey into teaching her how to drive. She is anything but an apt pupil and ends up crashing into a prison van transferring Chris and Darryl, which leads to the sisters being accused of attempting to organize a jail break.

Chigwell is in the grip of a burglar, and anonymous calls and letters are aimed at Tracey as an accomplice, since hers is one of the only houses not targeted. To square things up Chris, who knows the burglar and has warned him off Dal'n'Trace and Dorien's, gets him to stage a break-in at Tracey's house. Dorien, meanwhile, has her own security advisor.

After a row with Dorien at their barbecue, Marcus suddenly disappears. Dorien gives away some of his clothes for Chris and, when the sisters see her digging in her garden in the night, they suspect that she has done away with him and decide to investigate. Fortunately the 'corpse' reappears and Dorien explains the situation, but the cheap food Sharon bought for the café from Chris's dodgy friend Barry has long since expired.

Chris gets compassionate leave after his mother dies but, after the funeral, he goes on a drunken bender, ending up at the café, where Sharon and Tony track him down. He is adamant that he is not going back to jail and needs a knuckle sandwich to persuade him. On return he can remember nothing.

Tracey does some decorating for Dorien's enemy Melanie Fishman, who tells her the source of their feud. Sharon meets the attractive Colin in a cinema queue and they click but he has failed to tell her that he is a policeman, a fact which comes to light when Dorien gets accused of buying stolen antiques. Sharon feels that their future is doomed though he would still like them to be friends.

Sharon has toothache and badly needs to visit the dentist but she's terrified. Fortunately Dorien comes to the rescue by hypnotising her so that she feels no pain. Unfortunately Dorien does not seem to be able to get her out of her hypnotised state and back to normal.

Dorien's visiting niece, Rosa, seems the shy, retiring type so Dorien and Tracey are amazed to find her in the Jacuzzi with Garth and none too happy when the youngsters start dating. It causes a neighbourhood split but Dorien and Tracey make up after Dorien learns Rosa is using Garth to get her father to buy her a new car and Garth discovers that Rosa is not his type.

Tracey is pleased to find that Darryl started a pension fund with the money from a cash in hand job which he was advised to declare as an inheritance. Chris did the same cash in hand job but when Sharon eventually tracks down the broker she realises that he has not let her down - he's still a loser and she ends up owing brokerage charges!

Confusion reigns when Colin's superior, Inspector Dunsford and a female colleague stake out Emil, the possibly drug-dealing Frenchman across the road from Tracey's front bedroom. Dorien sees two people kissing silhouetted on the bedroom blind and Sharon tells her Tracey has a love slave whilst Tracey is disgusted that Garth has been paid fifty pounds by Emil. Eventually it turns out that Emil is a chef, paying Garth to help him and the married Dunsford is using the room to have sex with his bit on the side.

Tracey is spending a lot of time helping Hayley, a first time prisoner's wife, and feels stronger as a result. Sharon tells Chris she is seeing Colin but ultimately breaks off with the policeman as she sees they live in different worlds and assumes Chris will think she did it for him. Dorien, stood up by her latest conquest, feels the sisters are neglecting her and is lonely but all three unite for a slap-up meal at the new restaurant where the waiters 'undress you with their eyes'.

Sharon and Tracey go to watch Chris's nephew's junior football team, which Tracey takes over after a row with its manager, and she shocks everyone with her ruthlessly competitive attitude. Dorien visits a clairvoyant, who tells her she will be swept off her feet by a man in black but, after this comes true and Tracey gets the sack from the team, Sharon and Dorien show her what competitive really means during a bitterly-fought game of Monopoly.

Years ago Auntie Sylvie told the sisters that they were adopted and now she has died they get to see their birth certificates, stating that their real father was called G. Hamilton. They get it into their heads that this is the American actor George Hamilton, who could have been in the area at the time and, thanks to Dorien, who of course goes with them, they fly out to Hollywood to meet their daddy. Their plans to confront him do not go well as they are chased off the film set but they are befriended by actor George Wendt, who eventually arranges a meeting with the ...